A quick guide to my journey through the mental health system.
Created by eccedentesiast on 15/08/2008
Last updated: 11/03/10 at 03:28
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Consequence of a rather weird and wonderful snowboarding accident yesterday. I actually managed to do the big slope (hurrah!) and when I arrived (safely without falling) at the bottom this guy flew into me, completely taking me out and I landed, arse first, on the toe edge of his snowboard.
My arse is now a bruise [...]
Crisis over. Ish anyway. Sorry for being odd. I’m not really sure what was up with me which caused a slight freak out on my part so apologies if I worried anyone. It was the sinking feeling. The black hole and falling feeling. I couldn’t breathe for a moment. I just felt everything far too much [...]
So I’m not religious whatsoever. I can pin point the moment where I began to question the whole God, Jesus and Noah business. I was 10, almost 11, and starting year 6 at primary school – for some reason I was majorly excited about this. A few days before the term started I became covered in [...]
I’m just not doing or thinking anything particularly interesting to interest you with, assuming that sometimes I do have something wonderfully ground-breaking to say that is. And well it’s past 4 am and I’ve just got back from The Boy’s after many hours of lying around (sickeningly for some!) in his arms (I loved it [...]
Mission accomplished so to speak. At his, not mine (my dad’s operation got cancelled because of an emergency admission). His parents were in the next room, my nerves made things difficult in the beginning and umm, there was blood but well I’m more than satisfied.
This post is mortifying.
But I’m happy, he was lovely and I [...]
I am a zebra. This is my theory. In Manchester, as well as lots of zebras, there are lions. Being a little zebra, a potentially weak and very drunk zebra, I’m at risk of being eaten by a lion or being trampled on by other zebras. Thus I need a bigger zebra to trot with [...]
The Other Diary Continued.
Bit shaky, not scared, must be blood loss or adrenaline. Cut deep, even the plaster I stole won’t keep the blood away from my duvet so I’ve ended up with a plaster and m,y wrist cuff around my mid forearm. Not feeling so good. Needed to do it. Had to. No way of avoiding [...]
The Other Diary Continued.
Should of written ages ago. Put pen to paper. Bore my sordid soul on sheet. Cowardly I know to shy away. No where else to hide anymore. Nothing left to support my smile, my painted face, to hide the secret. Things have gotten so bad. It’s hard to put thoughts and feelings into words [...]
The Other Diary Continued.
Sitting in doctor’s waiting room. Not so many people here. Good thing. Less people to stare at the fat mess. Not eaten today I’ll have to eat dinner with the family. Just have to keep control. Eat something low fat, low calorie. Only the main meal. No cake, ice cream or chocolate [...]
Now, I’m not one for pain as you all know. Headaches warrant Codiene and my last three operations required Morphine. I’m a drugs bunny when in pain. I’ll gobble anything you give me (tablets are calorie free right?!) if it means I won’t have to be in as much pain as I’m in at the time.
I’m off to see the magical wizard of plastic surgery again. Dr Plastic. 11am tomorrow, it’s a date!
I’m not actually sure what’s going to be said or what will happen. The last surgery wasn’t exactly perfect. I still have a lot of scarring and the surgery scar has stretched a little into a thicker-than-meant red [...]
So my sister today revealed to me that she’d lost an inch or two from her waist and hips from doing hula-hooping. Apparently, last year, her xmas cracker gave her a tape measure. Wanna know what my waist measurement is lol?
My good self obsessed news for the day. My between thigh gap was also [...]
My parents have just got home from work and the supermarket bringing with them a “treat” for me. Morrisons ”The Best” Vegetable Lasagna. All 600+ calories of it. I can safely say that I’ve not eaten anything over 400 calories in one sitting for years, and even then that’s a rare event. Who the fuck [...]
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou! Grinning like an idiot since 2010!
And given that I’m in the adolescent category, I’m allowed to spend time shrieking like a school girl in celebration.
Tagged: 2009, Awards, Blog, Mental Nurse TWIM 09
Ha so last night was amusing and frustrating. Not at the same time though. It was just by 5am, knowing my bed was a few metres away and knowing that I wasn’t going to get any company. It’s that sort of frustration. But then instead of getting The Boy, I got to open his Links present [...]
Which makes the walk to the chemist delightful. Yes folks, a little bit of friendly advice. Don’t run out of your meds during the big freeze because then you’ll have to walk 5 miles in the snow to get your crazy pills. Wish me luck. I hope to be home by Christmas Eve for the [...]
Tagged: Happiness, I Love Winter, Snow, Winter, Winter Baby
This sounds stupid but I’m allowed to makes silly sounds in my own space.
I’m not sure about the drugging up anymore. I’m feeling a little bit more than a lot, poisoned. But then you and them will tell me to think back to the no meds/not the right meds lifestyle I was struggling in [...]
A walk. A night on the sofa. Lots of nattering and a kiss on the cheek.
EDIT: I really am losing it. Just got a text. He’d left his phone in his sister’s car and she’d gone to work with it. Idiot, idiot, idiot!
The waiting for him to call
The waiting for him to reply to my sodding text
The need for an “s” to follow the word “text”
The sinking feeling [...]
So today has been my “working out how to use Twitter” day. I’m not doing very well. To anybody who knows how to use the sodding thing, how do I get my blog posts automatically tweeted (?) on to twitter? Also what is an 800K image? I’m trying but failing to shrink images as my [...]
Last Week 12/10/09
This Week 19/10/09
Tagged: Dr Plastic, Leftie, Pictures, Plastic Surgery, Scars, Self Harm, Skin Expansion, Tissue Expansion
Complaint – sent off.
Travel Application – sent off.
Repeat prescription – acquired.
Upsetting my mum (unintentionally) about my eating – achieved.
Applying to join a French class courtesy of Mind – to be done.
Lunch – to be avoided.
Best friend – to be waved off to university.
This afternoon, I saw my CPN. She was late, which isn’t unusual, and a bloke with his parents decided that I was his girlfriend in the waiting room, which is unusual. I was actually quite freaked out when he chose to sit by my side whilst his parents sat across the room watching us as [...]
Ah so I’m finally carrying on the hospital series of stories.
You soon find, that in hospital, your day counts on the nurses who are on shift. Who they are depends on what they’ll be. A bad mood means waiting hours for painkillers. A bad person means having morphine effectively waved in front of you in [...]
Even when you try, there are always forces against you.
This evening (before the deadline of 7pm of course) I decided to have a yoghurt. 100 calories which technically I could consume within my daily limit as I’d been out of the house for my fruit snack etc etc, blah, blah, blah. I ended up [...]
As far as waiting lists go, the plastic surgery one has been tiny, but even so, when that white envelope flopped onto the doormat this morning with the hospital stamp on it I got excited. Next Tuesday (16th) I’m off for my preoperative assessment and then on the 29th I’m being admitted on to the [...]
I’m not sure.
Everything, this whole thing scares me at the moment. My mood, my eating, my exercise, my thoughts. This and their physical consequences. I think I feel better. I spend less time thinking about suicide. Generally I can get up in the morning, although recently I’ve been indulging in a few afternoon naps. My [...]
BMI as of this afternoon; 18.6.
If I keep going then I won’t be able to have my operations. I didn’t think I’d get here this quick. The thought of stopping terrifies me, as does the thought of continuing past the point of “fit for anaesthesia”. This is me not knowing what to do. I feel [...]
is my big stick.
Watch as I wave it all around. Hit it on the ground. Scream with it. Shout with it. Growl. Chant. Rant.
It means “BACK OFF” to my psych. “BACK OFF” to my sister. “BACK OFF” to my mum. “BACK OFF” to my best friends. It means “BACK OFF” to all the critics and [...]
So I’ve been somewhat deflated by the scales this morning. I was stupid to get on them, they never make me feel good no matter how much I’ve lost. The inaccuracy of the weigh in doesn’t help me much either as I’m left to guess how much “other factors” affected the number – other factors [...]
I was going to sit here and try and explain myself and my disordered habits as of late. I tried. I deleted. I tried. I deleted. Things started closing in on me and I ended up in a state so, doing the “sensible” thing, I went on a 5 mile uphill walk.
I am now, absolutely [...]
Or am I?
Who knows. We’re going to have to talk about food again. I’ve lost weight in the past fortnight. Probably a fair bit if looks are anything to go by. I’m scared of getting on the scales though and getting disheartened though hence no numerical values. I’m scared that the disappointment would hurl me [...]
Will end in a 3 mile hilly walk, hopefully in the rain.
I’ve been on my feet all day, I should really give them a rest but meals need to be followeed (or preceded in the case of breakfast) by exercise.
Move, move, move. More, more, more.
My clothes are getting looser.
Tagged: Day, Eating, Exercise, Food [...]
Sarah and Jasmine. This is just my thankyou for adopting your freaky friend.
Year 10. I was trying to move from the Languages corridor to the famous M corridor. This was more than just school geography though, I was finally getting away from F and her little gang. We all know about the bullying and it’s [...]
There’s a reason to this. P’raps obvious. We don’t need to talk about it.
I wanted to start writing little things about my past. Some are just random things. People need to know. Maybe it’ll help. Snapshots and such. Call this a memory box for then when they need it.
My english teacher told me I should [...]
The Repeated Film-like Imaginings Of A Brain Drunk On Suicide.
Set - The motorway bridge
Starring - Emma
Extras - Various and blurry
It’s a scene regularly seen. A seen scene. There’s me walking across the bridge. Sometimes I’m sat in the audience amongst those bored with me living/talking about my wish not to continue doing so. Sometimes I’m [...]
I’m indulging in what I should be avoiding and it doesn’t really feel appropriate or right to to start writing about it publicly. This is just me, pointing all my fingers at myself and shouting that “yes I’m still here”…not that I want to be in particular. I’m tired mostly and in part I’m to [...]
I’ve just clicked the button. No more English uni offers for me.
Mad, bad, sad. This is me being forever ill. I know no different. I was a messy child who grew into a messier and messier mind. The more I think the less I believe that I “became” ill. Perhaps I was just always, in some way, not together. Pieces missing and pieces added. Fat, poorly [...]
And all I want to do is cry. I’ve made it to Wednesday, 6 days longer than I’d planned. 6 too long.
They’re glad I’m “still here” which, with the concerned eyes, means that they’re glad I didn’t off myself whilst they were away. They’ve spent most of the day sleeping but have been insistent on [...]
There is this hysteria behind everything.
Lots of tears. Lots of laughter. Lots of screaming. Lots of feeling out of control. Lots of madness. Lots of wanting to die.
My sister told me I was scary yesterday. “You’re scary when you’re like this” she said, “I don’t mind when mum and dad are here but they’re [...]
I just want to lose myself.
I’m feeling awful. I keep telling myself, “not tonight” and wishing it were tonight. I’m thinking “wait til mum and dad get home” but for what? So they can witness their daughter trying to kill herself. “Why wait”. Why indeed am I waiting and what am I waiting for. There is going to be no [...]
I am trying my best. I truly am. This is just hard and getting more difficult. There is this constant pressure, a buzzing undercurrent of agitation. A desperation. Depression has got the better of me.
Your eyelids close down. Day to nothing. Slightly squeezed until the red rushes to your ears. Oranges. You’re listening to the rushing and the music and the murmur of vehicle movement and it all sees so far away. And that’s life in your ears. Rushing. So far away.
You’re wearing those thin, unheeled shoes that your [...]
Well it’s been 4 weeks and I’m going back to the hospital tomorrow to talk timetables and surgery options. My psychiatrist did give agreement but due to a messy letter trail, I don’t know if the surgeon will know about it yet. If he doesn’t then I’ll just have to wait until he does.
Basically, when [...]
Sitting still in the middle of a big, open, people-ridden space.
Slurring, echoing, beat-merging noise. Undecipherable noise.
They’re all on fast forward as you sit, cross-legged, eyes fixed. The world goes quickly by.
And it’s so wholly strange because you’re trapped in your head. Like tiny people with their tired hands up against the insides of your glassy [...]
Depressed and suicidal. Words never seem to go any further than that to describe existing as I am and I’m too tired to try right now. All I seem to be good at is attempting. Never succeeding. Until then, I’m in waiting for the banners I expect to burst forth from my surroundings when I [...]