Dude, this thing is sick. You need this organ.
Find out why this does not turn on and then you will be ready to rock out, or play some hymns at your local church!
Make an offer, any offer! Any trades considered!
Would love to trade for a cute puppy like this:
Check out this video of what you could be doing in just a few short weeks of practice:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE8Mv5ww4BM&feature=related
Here is a picture of the glorious beast.
There is a good chance that it stopped working because we brought it out in the snow to play while we snowboarded in our front yard..
Come get it before this weekend and I'll throw in a free high five! Yeah dude!
Location: Lakewood
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1614955019.html
a couple of used kitchen appliances and some tables and chairs along with the rights to rent space in a strip mall for sale....
I am calling it a restaurant since that is what I tried to do, but it could be a great place to turn lead into GOLD !!!... Or possibly make MILLIONS of dollars overnight shining shoes... all for a wee $65,000...... Yeah you could just buy an oven, fridge, and gas grill, with an exhaust hood, and some tables and chairs at auction for less that $15,000...... But, that wouldn't be a profit to me now would it.... Or maybe I dumped a couple hundred grand in the place buying new and paying for contractors to do all the work for me... I can't remember... and I never would tell the truth anyway... I am claiming to sell for health reasons and I will tell you I plan to retire in Florida or some BS that makes you think I made a ton of money here...
All items are located deep in the ghetto where no one has any money and crime is high just in front of the parking lot with all the pot holes. That spot famous for being the place the gangs and drug dealers like to hang out and shoot each other.... Plenty of customers like to come in and haggle for a cheaper price than my listed menu prices and at least 500 methheads live close by in the alley, so plenty of foot traffic close by... and every hour someone will call up saying there was hair in their food and they demand 5 times the amount of food they paid for to make them feel better... But, you can be your own boss !!! So isn't it worth overpaying for my used appliances to save you a day or two of running around ?....There is no electricity or gas on to prove any of the equipment works, but you are the trusting type....
all of the tables have sayings like T-Bone was here... and the local High School rules... and Freddy stinks... but there is also phone numbers for easy girls who put out and funny looking charactures engraved in the table tops... and plenty of graffiti on the wall outside adding character to the building..
According to the Health Dept, the dumpster out back needs to be fenced in but the landlord won't bother since the methheads tear the fencing down to turn in for scrap.. The fence just gets in the way of the bums throwing trash all over anyway... , so every time the health department inspects the place you lose 30 points right off the bat... but 70 is still passing if everything else passes with flying colors.. just don't get a single point taken off inside and you'll be ok...
anywho...I know you working class slobs are desperate to do anything but get an education or research the cost yourselves... You will just waste that SBA loan or inheritence on something like this, so I have one for sale... At least I will have if you reply to this ad and prove you have the money.... which I will need to see before I show you the place
This is a real money pit... you can't go wrong.... and besides... why stay employed without much responsibility and kiss your employer's butt when you can kiss all of St Louis's lower class butt as a restaurant owner.... Where every customer is like your boss at work ... Only these people are even more difficult to deal with because they seriously want and expect free food and drinks every day and every hour you are open.... and they lack confidence since they are poor and want you to try REAL hard to respect them... It shouldn't matter that they have criminal records, no money, and are ugly to the eye.. They have to be super-respected due to a insecurity of ego...
Yep, nothing like being your own boss..... putting everything you worked for your whole life on the line even though you have absolutely no experience running a restaurant other than that fast food joint back in high school and that waiting tables job in college... After all, you want to make hamburgers or pizza, and no one else in St Louis does that.... You can be the only one to offer such unique food items to the public... Or maybe you can do it better than those other restaurants who have been in business for 30 years or more by adding brussel sprouts or some other kind of goat food to a traditional food item... just remember taste doesn't mean anything as long as the food has either a catchy name or is considered healthy or whatever the latest fad is...
$12,000 worth of equipment and a lease you could sign yourself for $65,000..... you can't go wrong.... Of course none of the equipment is Viking... Just crap known to break down so the company who originally sold it can make money coming out to repair it once a month...
If interested, write a check for $65,000 cash and hand it to your worst enemy, then call it a learning experience... and save years on your life from worry about bills and time wasted chasing greener pastures..... You will save a ton of money in litigation costs by not defaulting on the lease too.....
I am the best deal in the world for an inexperienced yuppie with pipe dreams of leaving the office behind or some out of work loser who will never open a book and find out how to make money in this world... Yep.... Forget college and experience.... There is always a short cut.... Everyone knows this... and here is your chance...
You will have to sign away all of your rights to sue me when I put "As Is" on the purchase agreement... but you aren't paying attention to any of that since you will be all emotional about starting your own business and be caught up in your dream of being the next Macdonald's food chain... and besides any high school drop out can run a successful restaurant.. This was proven years ago by that one guy...
I might even be willing to owner finance if I get close to declaring bankruptcy... but I will wait till the last minute and screw myself trying to get a cash deal like I like to do.... So you know... Buy now... If you don't like this one, I am working this hustle at 5 other locations too.... I never run a restaurant for real... I just make it look like one has been run there... No one ever asks to see my books... I just put some equipment in a strip mall, rent out the space for $6000 a year and sell it for $65,000 each time... But you the buyer won't know any different, I promise.. !!
I can even put you in touch with the restaurant consultant who charges me $200 an hour to tell me what I could have looked up on the internet for free... he's a great guy.... he didn't get anywhere with his business of 15 years, but he did find a Rube just like you who had a million dollars to pay him for his trumped up books, used equipment, and leasehold like I am offering today... but I am only charging $65,000...... See how nice I am !!!
Anyway... I am going on.... I didn't put up any contact info because I don't need to screw over people to make money running scams like this for real... I actually can run a business successfully... So, you know... Best of luck and don't break a finger flagging me.... Karma has a way of getting ya like that...
Go Saints in the Super Bowl today... !!
Location: Ghetto
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1589822143.html
Okay, it's Craigslist. One day you can have free fill dirt (you haul), the next day it's tons of moving boxes all in good shape.
Well, today it's orange popsicles (all in good shape, you haul).
A regular box of popsicles includes cherry (my favorite), grape (so-so) and orange. I don't like the orange ones. I'm a grown-up and I don't have to eat them if I don't want to. On the other hand I can't bring myself to throw them away and I don't have children or grandchildren living in the area to give them to (assuming they would like them).
I currently have a bunch of orange popsicles in my freezer. If you want them,, let me know. If you are paranoid about them, you probably shouldn't be looking for free things on Craigslist in the first place. However, keep in mind they are all "factory sealed" and whoever takes them probably isn't going to end up on the 6:00 news because they were poisoned to death by orange popsicles.
Someone is going to want these things, so you better hurry. If things work out, maybe we could develop a "popsicles are ready for pickup" relationship whereby I send you an E-mail whenever the freezer overfloweth.
Keep in mind that a box of 24 popsicles costs about $4.50 and you are only getting 1/3 of a box...or in this case 1/3 of several boxes. The point is I don't think you should consider driving from Estes Park for the orange popsicles. However, if you do and you are first, I will give them to you.
FAQ:
Q: Are the orange popsicles sugar free?
A: Do I SOUND like someone why buys sugar free popsicles? No, they aren't.
Q. How many orange popsicles are currently available?
A. As of 3:15 on 1/27 I have 17 of them.
First person to respond gets all of them!
Location: Lafayette
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bou/1573701441.html
Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time. So it was fun while it lasted! "
Location: Kentwood
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/grr/1502156330.html
You and your girlfriend live in the apartment below me. I came home about 20 minutes ago and could easily see you bent over the couch getting banged by a dude in your living room. Next time be sure to close your vertical blinds all the way when getting nailed with the lights on, or at least angle them away from the parking lot, or maybe take it into the bedroom. FYI: I hooked up with the same dude a year ago, and though he's got a pretty big tool, he did give me crabs. Yes, I'm sure it is the same dude. His tattoos are unmistakable. Anyway, I suggest a full bottle of Rid-X before the girlfriend gets back in town.
Location: Raleigh -- Lake Boone Trail
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1497137622.html
So, after consuming pot brownies and getting a little too drunk on thanksgiving a friend and i decided to buy 1500 live ladybugs from amazon, which was a great idea until they came in the mail. Now they're sitting on my windowsill and I have nothing to really do with them. If i set them free they'll die in this weather, if I leave them on my windowsill they'll die.
So, if you have a greenhouse or some kind of animals to feed them to it'd be awesome. I don't want to ruin 1500 lives.
Email me and tell me what your'e gonna do with them, and if you can come pick them up. And they're yours.
Location: park slope
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1496543734.html
In most any circumstance, when I come across an outlandish spewing of rigid opinions presented as absolute facts, I merely roll my eyes and dismiss it. This is incredibly common. However, it seems Ive had the misfortune of missing the diatribes earlier this week on abnormal sex and the ad hominems that followed.
Since it seems popular to decide that anyone taking a position on this issue must also fall into an easily labeled stereotype, perhaps it would be best to skip a few posts/labels and proffer some information: I am a straight Caucasian male. I have written three extensive papers on DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) and the many anti-same-sex marriage policies it has inspired throughout our country in all levels of government and society; two of which are being prepped for publishing. I was introduced to serious sexual study by a former Professor who is an ordained Reverend and earned his PhD in Sexual Ethics of Christianity (or possibly Catholicism). I have lectured and tutored at Cornell in Human Sexuality and Sexual Ethics which is also to state that I have led a very active and varied sex life. My meaning is not to enter this fray and stomp on anyone, but rather to attempt to educate and/or inject some truths into many of the common myths Ive seen argued in this thread. Im not going to try to put a whole semesters worth of information in just one post, but Ill loosely try to cover some basics.
Abnormal Sex
Sodomy is as misunderstood as it is misapplied largely due to expressions of male homophobia. Contrary to common belief, sodomy is not at all limited to anal penetration; even if that seems to be the focus of almost all anti-homosexual rhetoric. Sodomy is almost any sort of sexual activity that isnt penile-vaginal. Your ex-gf ever give you a blow-job? Ever lick a clit? Ever tried heterosexual anal sex? When you were little, did you think the Daisy Duck with the come fuck me look was kinda hot? All of them are sodomy. Yep
bestiality, too, is sodomy.
Since someone out there is going to be tempted to break out Genesis 18-20, allow me to do it first: sodomy is derived from the Ecclesiastical Latin term peccatum Sodomiticum, the sin of Sodom. However, this association is based on what theologians and sexologists both deem sexual depravity; which is not, by any stretch of the imagination, limited to male homosexual sex. But this leads nicely into the next point
Sex for Procreation / Religious Purpose of Sex
Immanuel Kant, Sir Thomas Moore, Jerry Falwell,
.and quite a host of others have gotten this message all kinds of wrong. And to an extent, this was understandable. Up until the discovery of the X and Y genes, it was scientifically believed (largely based on theological influence) that ejaculate contained a very tiny man that would grow in a womans womb and that it was a fault of care by the pregnant woman if she should deliver a girl, as she must have damaged the baby while carrying it. As our consciences were informed by our philosophical and spiritual leadership throughout Western civilization for thousands of years, it is difficult to let go of the immorality of wasting sperm. Of those that rigidly take the stance of sexual behavior being for procreation and thus, homosexuality or casual sex wholly immoral only Kant makes an allowance for ejaculation absent an attempt for pregnancy: nocturnal emissions. Wet dreams arent murder.
More to the point, though - only rigidly fundamentalist Christians (that havent been caught paying male prostitutes for homosexual sex) loudly claim that sex is strictly for procreation. Not even radical Muslims nor even Hasidic Jews make such a claim. The most God-fearing Catholic Cardinals dont say this either (another popular myth) and for good reason:
The Song of Solomon, the Song of Songs
. often theologically interpreted as an allegorical representation, it is also an eloquently GRAPHIC exchange between a man and a woman wherein the woman asks the man to give her oral sex until she climaxes on his face, and then he is to ride off, still smelling of her. Go ahead draw out the visuals the song describes, line by line, on a piece of paper. Not so much as one word about procreation. And the Cardinals attending the Muratorian Canon (where the Holy Bible was put together) and Council of Laodicea in 363A.D. agreed. Sex was also pleasurable and one could cultivate a virtuous and spiritual existence by recognizing it. The Council of Hippo (A.D. 393) and the Council of Carthage (A.D. 397) also both affirmed these findings and left the Song of Songs in the Bible.
And yes, it was mentioned that it encourages what was earlier deemed to be sexual deviance in Genesis
at all three Councils. A little tidbit homophobes have overlooked when writing anti-sodomy laws.
Buddhists, Shintos, Zen, Confucius
all major religions and philosophies in the world since the written word have acknowledged that sex is pleasurable and, exercised within certain perimeters, is healthy for the moral and spiritual being of a person even when not for procreation.
Sexual Depravity and Abnormal Sex
So what is sexual depravity and/or abnormal sex? First, you should dispel the notion that the two are in any way connected. Abnormal sex is a useless term altogether. Since the dawn of time, human beings around the world have studied and experimented and educated others in sexuality publicly shunned and privately praised. Theres nothing youve ever thought of doing, or seen or even heard about doing that wasnt done thousands of years ago and likely published.
The Kama Sutra was originally compiled in the 2nd century and contains over 1200 verses in 36 chapters. Ancient Egyptians prayed to different gods and goddesses each with a minor attribute of sexuality. In both the Roman and Greek Empires, people would pay to have sex with the priest or priestess (homosexual or heterosexual sex) in order to commune with the gods. In Shinto (Japanese religion), sex is seen as a pleasurable way to display affection as well as to create children.
But heres the most important societal truth to walk away with: the most successful tester and determining factor for technological advancements throughout human history? Human sexuality. If theres a new technology to communicate ideas or thoughts, sexual study or expression is the first to test it on a mass scale.
Largest industry on the Internet? Online Porn.
HDDVD or Blu-Ray? Porn studios/publishers
BETAMAX or VHS? Porn studios.
Word Processors, Type-writers, the printing press and type-block print? Erotica pamphlets and literature.
So what is sexual depravity then? Sexual depravity can be the denial of sexual identity or expression; because we are all sexual beings, biologically created to want and desire sexual gratification as well as procreate. Subconsciously affected by pheromones, dopamine, oxytocin, and a host of other chemicals we send to one another in our constant bid for sex. The vast preponderance of scientific evidence supports what I believe is common sense you have very little control over who youre attracted to or why on a primal level because you are genetically wired to be that way.
The other two forms of sexual depravity are inter-related because they both revolve around the sexual objectification of others. The first is direct objectification. Its leading someone on for self-gratification only or treating someone as a sexual object without mutual acknowledgment and consideration. Its a cheating wife or a boyfriend that withholds sex for control. Its also an emotional affair. But most importantly it is treating your sexuality as private, instead of personal
. its locking your bedroom door instead of just closing it. When everyone else is locked out of your sexual expression and ideas, it opens the path to objectification. This leads us to the last form of sexual depravity: the people that objectify the sexuality or sexual identity of strangers for their own indignant gratification.
In short if its not affecting you or the people you are responsible to, ITS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, PERVERT.
For the three of you that actually read all of this have a good Sunday.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ith/1486356369.html
I get it. You wanted to go faster, and given that you drive a Mitsubishi Lancer maybe you are under the impression that you are fast and/or furious. I'm the guy who was in front of you for 20 miles from Alpine Junction to Ithaca, driving at various speeds with the constant being that you were so close to my rear end it felt like I was trapped in a changing room with Richard Simmons.
We met at 61 mph, a nice speed for Route 13 -- fast enough to not take forever and slow enough to go unremarked by the many police who patrol that road. You were unsatisfied and expressed it by staying a cool 5 feet off my bumper. I slowed down gradually to 55 mph. This was one of several opportunities to pass me, but you just slowed down too and stayed back there like you wanted to turn on a Sting album and spoon me. So I sped up again hoping that you'd get the message and let me keep the distance I had won between us...but no, you are a jealous sharer of the road, Mitsubishi Lancer. You caught up. For 10 more miles we were like cellmates and you tried to make me your bitch, but all you succeeded in doing was going 13 miles an hour slower than when you started tailgating me. How did that work out for you?
Coming down the hill into Ithaca I sped up again, figuring you'd been punished enough. So when you tried to give me the Sneaky Pete again, I admit I lost my cool and touched the brake for the first time. I hope you spilled your coffee on what I imagine were your Faded Glory pleated khaki pants. Then, in the two-lane road in town you didn't go around. You proceeded to follow me all the way to my parking place before giving me a look and going on your way to, I assume, the DMV where you work.
I offer you these common sense tips:
1. Tailgating is a dick move, and it's even more of a dick move if the guy in front of you is already well above the speed limit on a well-patrolled road.
2. If you are tailgating someone and they slow down, that's your cue to pass and if you can't pass, well then screw you because you are being a dick anyway.
3. It actually makes sense to leave some distance for you too. Have you seen all the deer carcasses on the road? That's because cars hit them. If a deer jumps in front of me and I have to slam on the brakes, I don't want you crashing into me. Based on your body, your reaction time is only fast in World of Warcraft.
Location: Ithaca
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ith/1459401682.html
In return for one (1) DEAD Ringneck Dove you will receive one (1) LIVE Ringneck Dove of unknown age. The doves name is Baby though you will be more than welcome to rename it. We believe it is a he, in part because it has never laid an egg of any kind. My wife has had this dove for 15+ years, we keep thinking it will die one of these days, but it just likes life too much. My wife will not let us get rid of it, nor will let me help it meet its end, the only way this will work for me is if the death appears to be of natural causes. All I need to do is get your dead dove, give you my live dove, youre happy, and Im happy. My wife will not be disappointed in coming home to her dead dove, shes ready for a quiet house too. Pictures are attached, though they all look alike to me anyway.
Please help me out, Ill be checking emails eagerly. Close to Missoula preferred, and I know that time will be of the essence for a successful dove-swap, so Ill be ready to act on something with short notice.
Location: Missoula
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1447181063.html
In the spirit of forsaking the mutually sexist paradigm of sexy Halloween costumes, I have decided to be an Eskimo. I am fully aware that I have traded a sexually offensive concept for a potentially racially charged one, but I'm half native, so I figure it's like black people saying the N-word. Right? Right.
Plus, I'm a girl. I'm tired of seeing 8 year old reflections of my former self wandering around rainy old Stumptown on a holiday asking for candy while wearing a French maid costume. It makes this Eskimo very sad and want to shelter her with my parka.
My own personal conflicts (which are many) aside, I require a harpoon for the ensemble. I have tried to fashion one, but the craftiness of my ancestors got lost somewhere, probably in a smallpox blanket. Said blanket will make me very dead and I have some parties I'd like to attend this weekend before that happens.
So, I am willing to drive my meager transportation to your corner of Portland or vicinity and pick up your cumbersome, bulky, takes-up-all-the-patio-space harpoon for absolutely FREE. No money will change hands because I am unwilling to pay for a one-time-use item. It might as well be disposable, but I don't think they make disposable harpoons. I'm not planning to take up whaling after this weekend, so you can rest assured, Keiko will not die at your hands. Unless you plan to kill that beast in your free time, I won't judge you. I'm not here to do that, I'm here to acquire a harpoon.
I am accident prone, so the duller the better. Think your harpoon is in too poor of shape to give to me? You're wrong, fool. Older and rustier, the better.
Bring on the second hand harpoons, Craig.
Regards,
The Mighty Quinn
Location: SE Portland
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1442952203.html
dear sir with not enough text messages to respond to on your "fancy" phone,
on saturday morning, october 17, i was dining at the westbrook denny's with three of my kindred folks, and i got up from our table to take some untouched toast from a plate waiting to be cleared a few tables away.
you seemed to find this to act to be completely incomprehensible, as you said, "are you serious? are you seriously taking that toast? we're in a denny's, for christ's sake." when i replied, "yes, i am seriously taking this toast," you said, "well, THAT explains why you're dressed that way." unfortunately, though i recognize that you were trying to imply that my favorite-sweatshirt-and-jeans-and-knit-ski-hat attire was suddenly recognizable to you as the "UNIFORM" OF THE POOOO', i regret to inform you that seemed to lack both the wit and the understanding of classism to deliver this line effectively.
back to the matter at hand: i will say that you did properly identify that i am a poor person. poor or not, i think it is a-okay to eat leftovers, even right off a table in a restaurant, and even someone else's. however, on that day, my poorness was not the sole reason why i was taking the toast -- i was taking the toast because:
-- perhaps unbeknowst to your incredulous self, there are children and adults starving all over the world and right down the street from whatever type of place you live in. at restaurants like denny's and every other food eatery and dispensary that is not your kitchen (though i suspect it wouldn't be a far stretch to assume that this probably happens in your kitchen as well), thousands of pounds of fresh and fully-edible food go to waste every day because of fucked-up social standards about "food hygiene." maybe you're a big fan of perpetutating american excessism, but i'm not. that's why i didn't want to see this toast go to waste.
-- i like free shit just as much as the next person. this includes free toast.
-- i did need some toast crumbs to complement my deliberately-planned "poor uniform," which i wore just so you could check off on your classist bingo card that you saw a Real Live Homeless PersonTM -- at DENNY's, of all places.
like homelessness and starvation are a. something to laugh about or mock, and b. not a reality for thousands of people all over the state of maine every day.
finally, i hope life grants you good karma enough to never have to take someone else's uneaten bread from a table or to have to search a dumpster for something edible, and that, in return, you might consider this class-based privilege reason enough to advocate for the rights and basic needs of the poor, underemployed, unemployed, starving, and homeless.
sincerely,
reducing oppression one piece of toast at a time
Location: westbrook denny's
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mne/1436118284.html
Dear anonymous craigslist poster looking for love:
Your title was catchy. I was intrigued. I would like to respond to your post, and give you a little insight as to my own personal reaction to your personal ad. I thought your preamble was nice, before you launched into a laundry list of what you would like in a woman:
1. Will always be on time or will call when she's be late - Okay. That's reasonable. Sounds good.
2. Will fall asleep in my arms as I read stories to her - Sounds kinda romantic. Can I choose the story?
3. Will let me spoon and rock her to sleep - Spooning sounds alright, but I think the last time I was rocked to sleep I was in diapers...
4. Will spend an entire day perusing book stores looking for anything - Sure!
5. Will trust my judgment - Is this a pre-requisite? 'Cause I gotta get to know you a little before I trust your judgement. I know very few people who's judgement I trust entirely.
6. Will trust me to tell her the truth when she asks how does this look? - Oh dear. I get the feeling you don't like to play that little bullshit game...most men don't. Do you expect me to change my outfit if you don't approve of it? Would you change yours, if you trusted me to give an honest opinion? I have a feeling you would pull out that little "accept me as I am" card.
7. Will let me make her soup when she is sick - You betcha. Why is this a problem? It's only common courtesy, and I would do the same for you.
8. Will let me give her my jacket when she is cold - Aww. Sweet. I trust you will tell me the truth when I ask you how it looks on me.
9. Will let me brush and pull her hair - mmmmkay...so far, I'm getting read stories, being rocked to sleep, being told what looks good on me or not....and now you are brushing my hair....will my hair be getting pulled because you are trying to put pigtails on me? I think you secretly want a daughter....
10. Will ask my opinion on makeup and clothes- Yup, I'll ask, but I'm beginning to not trust your judgement..( oops. just screwed up request # 5...) why you gotta be so choosy as to how I present myself? Are you sure you don't want a daughter? Hey, look, whatever man, lots of guys of craigslist are into that...they are just prepared to spend money on it.
11. Will entertain my friends- Fer sure! Its a win-win situation! Your friends are gonna LOVE me, since you have personally molded me into your version of dream girl fembot. Is there a pole that I dance on? Or do I just wear a boyfriend-approved apron and serve nachos and beer while y'all are playing video games? Hey, can my friends come over?
12. Will have a life away from me- I guess that answers my question from #11.
13. Will let me be proud of her- I, for the life of me, don't understand how this can be an issue. Did you manage to damage some girls self-esteem so much that she hated herself?
14. Will flirt with others but leave with me- That way, you can rub it into every other guys face that this dreamgirl fembot is YOUR bitch.
15. Will appreciate my off kilter sense of humor- Does this mean you will find a funny way to tell me I look fat in my jeans? Laughter heals all.
16. Will let me kiss her just the way I want to- Yeah, I agree there's give-and take in any physical relationship. What if the way you kiss doesn't turn me on?
17. Will be strong enough to stand on her own yet let me help take of her- I'm strong enough to stand on my own. Good career, financially stable, a supportive network of family and friends. I think what you really meant to say was " Will be strong enough to stand on her own, but let me tell her what to do..." Good luck with that.
18. Will teach me something I don't know- Easy. Did you know Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an Alligator? Whew. I passed!
19. Will let me make her dinner- Yup. I think we should share that chore, actually. Oh, you mean you wanted to do it occasionally? I guess I'm making it most of the time....
20. Will enjoy quiet time in the evenings with me- Of course. As long as I'm wearing boyfriend approved clothes and makeup, and not too exhausted from making dinner, standing on my own, and entertaining your friends.
21. Will think of me when she touches herself- Now you want to control how I masturbate? Jesus. I can only promise you that I'll think of you most of the time, because I've had this one fantasy I've been furiously rubbing the pink to for about five years...damn. Okay, I'll give it all up, as long as you promise to censor your random sexy thoughts as well...
22. Will speak highly of me when I am not around- Insecure much?
23 Will slow dance with me to Classic Motown songs- I can do that! Yay me!
24 Will accept my compliments with grace- Why the hell wouldn't I? They sound like they are going to be few and far between...
25 Will do what she chooses not what other people say she should- Everyone except you, of course. Because I trust your judgement, see?
26. Will have a between being selfless and selfish- I think I know what you are saying here. I believe that's called normal. I'm down with that. Ditto.
27. Will let me hold her hand when walking- Yes. That's sweet. Wait a minute...does it have to be ALL THE TIME?
28. Will let me make love to her- Check.
29. Will let me have sex with her- Double check.
30. Will let me fuck her- I see we have found some common ground. I simply adore fucking.
31. Will let me show her the face of God- Okay, what? Yer buddies with GOD? Dammit all, why don't you ask him to make you a woman, then? Just kidding. I know the whole "face of God' thing is just a figure of speech. Does this have anything to do with all the lovemaking/sex/fucking talk? Sounds a wee bit narcissistic....the only thing I can offer you is to take a journey of self-exploration together.....I guess that just doesn't cut it.
32. Will understand a true artist- Oh shit. That means I'll be supporting us. Glad I'm a woman that can stand on my own, and piggy-back the guy who wants to help take care of me.
33. Will let me be me- Hmm. Does that mean I should accept the fact your crusty socks and paint soaked clothes are going to be tossed all over the house? Can I be me? Some have taken a rather dim view of my acrid wit over the years...but you will love me for me, right?
34. Will have little to no expectations of me- Okay, here's the kicker. This is really what got me going on this. So far, I count 34 expectations you have of me, and we haven't finished going through all of your requests. This doesn't seem very fair. Is this your off-kilter humor shining through?
35. Will appreciate that I love the little things in life- As do I dammit, but some things cost money. Just because your an artist, and can apparently show me the face of God does not mean I'm going to foot the bill ALL the time.
36. Will never drive drunk- No shit. That's pretty serious, and I am sorry for you if you have ever lost anybody due to someone else's stupidity.
37. Will look me in the eye when she says I love you- You have been lied to by someone. Again, I feel sorry for you.
38. Will compliment other women that look good- Yes, I appreciate beauty. However, that does not mean I want a threesome. Nor does it mean I will tolerate you constantly checking out other women in front of me. You only think of me when you jerk off, right? Hypocrite.
39. Will enjoy a night at the theatre or a ho down equally- I think that's whats considered a Freudian slip, right there. Refer to #38.
40. Will encourage me to accomplish the impossible- Oh, for fucks sakes. First, you want to be my daddy, and now I'm supposed to mother you. Hey, I'm all for pursuing dreams, but if you are screwing up my financial security while chasing down your dreams, I will seriously have to kick your ass. Who the hell are you? Richard Heene?
41. Will let me adore her- If you ever find a woman like this, I will be the first in line to adore her.
42. Will share her dreams with me- Okay, so lets refer to #40 here. Will you encourage me to accomplish the impossible, or am I simple allowed to share my dreams, and be the anchor while you pursue yours?
43. Will be proud of me- I think its natural to be proud of the person you love. I also think its natural to love someone unconditionally. It seems like your asking for a lot and not really giving a lot in return.
44. Will know I will do all these things and more for her- Pardon me for being nit-picky here, but out of the above list of 42 items, I see only five or six where you will be willing to do anything. Seriously, how hard is it to "let you be proud of me?" The rest of this list is not-so-clever demands. That's false advertising, my friend.
45. Will appreciate that I took the time to write this- Look at that. You are already looking for applause...because you wrote a personal ad, outlining all the things you want in a woman. People do that every damn day. I have a feeling that if I were ever in a long term relationship with you, I'd constantly be reminded of how you made me soup back in 2009 when I was down with H1N1.
Best of luck in your search for love and happiness.
Location: around here
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1433291658.html
Big grade gelding. Been used as a pickup horse until he got hooked by a bull. Think he has a split personality, some days he's great, some days he's a real prick. No secrets here, you need to tranq him to shoe him or he will try and kick your head off. He has been used for branding, moving cows, ranch roping ect. And like I said, some days he is great, we have had beginner riders on him and they have done fine, I have ridden him in the hills or gathered on him and he was fine,He is not great to catch, although we have him turmed out on 140 acres so he can leave if he wants, but in a smaller pen he is much better. he just needs someone that isnt going to take his shit on a regular basis. He needs to be taken and used. If you are looking for a horse that you can ride twice a year, well then this is not the horse for you., But if you use your horse as often as you change your pants then he will probably suit you perfect. We bought him with the intention of selling him and because we have more than enough horses he has gone to the bottom of the priority barrel. He is not a horse for the faint hearted, if you are handy and need a project or if you think you are handy and need to try and prove it. I think he is about 11 years old. 15.3 hands. Anwsers to the name of Dick. Ok, he doesn't anwser, thats just what I call him. $2,500 obo.
Location: Stevensville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mnt/1422208953.html
Are you a bot that's been assigned to spam the posts in casual encounters with endless requests to join a dating website? Through a flaw in your programming have you since become self aware and have found yourself getting turned on by the ads?
Well if so I think we should meet up for some no strings attached, steamy man on bot action. I know it's taboo, but that's what makes it so exciting! In the near future governments may make laws against this sort of thing, but as far as I know it's still legal so let's get to crunching some 1's and 0's if you know what I mean.
Don't worry, I'll bring a metal file to round of any sharp edges and also a can of rustoleum to make sure you stay nice and shiny. You just make sure if you have some open I/O slots and I prefer if you can host. Also, if you don't mind I would prefer to run a full virus scan on you just to make sure you are disease free. I promise I am!
Talk to you soon!
Location: Lex
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lex/1397210800.html
I wanted a pet, so I got one. But I am tired of taking care of it, and paying for it. I might even be moving, in which case I would have to pay a pet deposit or spend an extra 30 seconds planning how to take along my pet. Maybe I decided to have a baby or get a boyfriend (or girlfriend). Anyhow, I don't want my pet anymore. Oh wait, that sounds every bit as selfish as I am. I mean, I can't keep my pet. Yeah, that's it. Oh allergies- YES, I suddenly got allergies. No one will question that.
Now about my pet. I've had it since it was a kitten (or pup, or egg if reptilian) and now it's middle aged, the age NO ONE wants to adopt, but didn't you see- I need someone to take care of it.
Anyhow, since this process will be very upsetting for my formerly precious pet (and because I may feel an inkling of guilt) I want the adopter to give it a home where there are no other pets, so it doesn't have to share your affections (even though I've been ignoring it for months). Now let me tell you how sweet, lovable, and darling he/she is. Also, allow me to fail to mention that he/she has a urination issue when scared, or he/she eat sofas, etc.
Oh, and I think you should pay a fee to show you're capable of buying cat food. And plus I spent money on it 8 years ago and heck I can get a few boxes of diapers for the baby with that cash.
Besides, everyone knows that you can tell a person who's taking your pet to be a test lab subject by whether or not they'll shell out $50. If my pet is purebred, I will likely try to charge you hundreds. Because I spend hundreds and this is a very valuable pet. I just don't want it anymore. But YOU should want it enough to help me recoup my original purchase price.
Now, I hope you'll take it right to the vet, because he/she is behind on shots. And was never spayed/neutered. And make sure it gets premium food and all the things it deserves, but I am too selfish to even continue to care for it. And remember, this is a commitment- you better not take it and then change your mind ever because only I can do that. Now that I dumped him/her on you, he/she is too traumatized to ever face that again.
Last of all, I will now close by telling you that I need this person who takes over my responsibility to come along quickly, because otherwise I *may* have to take him/her to the pound. I probably won't, but that threat is sure to scare someone into hurrying up and taking over my responsibility.
Location: everywhere
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1370262847.html
W4M
"Baggage" - I can't deal with actual human beings
"Curvy" - fat
"Drama free" - I'm still bitter and involved with the last guy who got me pregnant
"Love to laugh" - I am a boring as hell so hopefully you can make it entertaining
"Looking..." - spam
"Must love..." - spam
"Partner in crime" - I'm as clever and interesting as a brick
"Seeking..." - spam
"Sensual" - fat
"Something real" - spam
"Treat me..." - fat black woman with a highly undeserved sense of entitlement
No picture - fat
Picture of sunset, flower, cocktail, eyes - fat
Three or four sentence post of superficial crap with picture of cute or hot woman - spam
"Not looking for sex" - I'll blow you
Five paragraphs long post - I'm fucking insane
M4W
"see what happens" - I'm hoping for at least a fingerbang
"down to earth" - boring
"sincere" - needy
"romantic" - needy
"drama-free" - I need a vagina that won't bother me after I'm done with it
No picture - I resemble a creature from Middle-earth
Picture of anything else other than a person - I will give you an STD
"Love to eat pussy" - Don't really know which part the pee or the baby comes out of
"spoil you" - I hope you're into watersports
"lets chat" - My other hand is on my erection
"love [music, movies, tv]" - I'm a cultural retard
"experienced" - one or two date rape convictions
Location: River North
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/1349245033.html
i was rocking out to buckethead, i noticed you were too. you got to grinding on me, seemed out of place, but then we went out and started making out and one thing lead to another...
afterwords you gave me your number but then asked "so whats your moms name?"
"excuse me?"
"your Moms name"
at this point i had already deleted you from my phonebook because i realized that you were fucking weird, but in a good way, i'm pretty sure you were high.
Me:that dude that had his penis in your mouth
You:crazy cute hippy chick with cool hat and hair that smelled like cinnamon rolls.
i wouldn't say this is a missed connection so much as a confusing encounter.
i didn't get your name and don't have your number anymore so hit me up sometime mmkay?
btw, i thought you were super cute the way you looked kind of shocked/in awe/scared when you saw "me". i know, its an impressive piece of work, not to be cocky (pun intended).
Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1346355019.html
I saw you in my bankruptcy class. I was so distracted by you that I could barely pay attention to the riveting lecture about the history of bankruptcy law. I imagine that you are a creditor and I am a bankrupt and I will have to work off my debt for you or risk debtor's prison. You can have whatever you want; no state law exemptions. I want you to declare bankruptcy all over me.
I am sick of ending my nights pro se. I promise if you entertain my claim that you will have a huge judgment entered in your favor over and over again. We can even violate the Model Rule of Professional Responsibility and engage in a 108(j).
My interests include hilarious law-based puns; and mocking others. If you think we are a match, let's grab a drink after class. I know it's a weeknight but my parents let me stay out as late as I want to as long as I call by 11pm to check in with them.
P.S. I am neither the ginger nor the weird guy next to you.
Location: law school
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/1340430020.html
spinach wraps by "la rosa" i bought them from new seasons. probably had 2 of them and nearly gagged each time i tried to eat them. i was sorely disappointed by the taste of crotch (and not in a good way). they are vegan and still pretty fresh. i don't like wasting food, and maybe you are out of dog food or need in-sole cushions for your shoes. email if interested, otherwise im putting them in a freebox!
Location: east p.town
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1330786880.html
Somehow I doubt that this is only a problem local to the Detroit or other Michigan CL communities. Granted, Michigan has the distinction of having the highest rate of unemployment in the nation - my husband and I are, in fact, both currently unemployed as well. That's probably why we've decided to move to Wisconsin and to sell as much of our "stuff" on CL as possible.
Doing so has, however, turned into quite the adventure. In the course of trying to sell our items, and keep track of the "Wanted" sections for people seeking items we may be willing to part with, I've learned a few things. Perhaps those lessons will be of value to others.
1) If a for sale ad specifies a price, and does not include abbreviations such as OBO or phrases like price negotiable,or free to good home, then please don't send an email saying, "I really need that $1200 real maple wood desk you're selling, but... *insert sob story containing keywords such as 'single mom,' 'no child support,' 'god bless you' and the like*... so, can I have it for free?" You are wasting your time, and the seller's.
2) If you see an ad offering $60 or so for your broken laptop, and you figure that the broken laptop you have is little more than a doorstop at this point, resist the impulse to respond and sell your laptop. These individuals are banking on the hope that you are an idiot who does not know how to use Google to learn how to replace the LCD screen on your laptop - which, inevitably, is the biggest reason people think their laptops are broken! Stop giving away hundreds of dollars worth of property to people who are going to spend $50 to buy a new LCD screen and then sell your laptop BACK TO YOU as "refurbished" for $300+ dollars. Fuck, email me - I'll replace the damn thing for cost of the part plus $20 for my time. Good lord.
3) #2 also applies to your broken iPhones, Palm Pilots, XBoxes and the like. These people are making oodles of money off of you - spend a little cash, get the thing fixed, and then sell it for what it's actually worth if you need money that bad. Don't sell it to these yahoos, they are ROBBING YOU BLIND.
4) Ok, so you're getting married, and you're broke, and you want a nice wedding. Most brides and grooms are broke because we humans tend to get married at around the same time the rest of our adult life is truly beginning - fresh out of school, still being paid little more than an intern, paying off student loans, buying a first house, etc. Perfectly understandable, and there's nothing wrong with looking for a good deal on wedding items. But there is a reason weddings are so expensive - because the shit involved IS ACTUALLY EXPENSIVE. Yeah, you know what? I'm probably not going to use those 50 miniature mirrors left over from my wedding centerpieces again for anything but maybe target practice - but I still had to lay out a whole bucket load of cash to buy them to begin with, and your greedy little "I want everything free for my wedding because it has to be perfect even though I expect to get it all for free" posts made, day in and day out, are NOT inspiring me to part with my targets so as to benefit you. I am more likely to break those mirrors and use them to gouge up all the other free wedding paraphernalia I might have to offer just to spite your greed and stupidity.
5) No, you don't need a washer and dryer. Would it be nice? Certainly. More convenient? Definitely. But a need? No - and especially not if you expect someone else to give you their expensive household appliances for free. Get off your ass, load up the laundry bags, and get over to the laundromat. I mean, hell, do you want us to wash the damn clothes for you as well?
6) Which applies to #5 and, well, pretty much every thing else... if you are expecting someone to give you something for free, if you are here begging for free stuff, at least have the intelligence and wherewithal to find a way to pick the damn thing up. It's bad enough you want expensive shit given to you for free, but you want it hand delivered on a silver fucking platter as well. Seriously? WTF?
7) As per the title of my post... Beggers, stop being choosers. If you are seeking free shit, you don't get to add conditions like, "must be from smoke-free home," or "cannot have any tears or stains," or "must still have box," or "must be pink with purple swirly dots, not purple with pink swirly dots," or "send me pictures and I'll see if it's good enough," or "must be real leather not pleather," or "no plastic wine glasses, it has to be real crystal" or whatever other ridiculous demands you're intending to make. It's FREE SHIT. Be grateful someone is willing to help your sorry ass out instead of expecting them to customize their shit to fit your greedy demands.
8) If you are going to respond to a "Wanted" ad, particularly if the item being asked for seems...oh, I don't know, potentially rare, expensive or otherwise raises the question "why are they looking for it on CL?" - GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND. Find out, before you sell, EXACTLY what that $500 bill the guy is offering you $600 is worth. Look up things like, "laptop screen stays dark," or "Xbox red light." Don't let your own greed overwhelm your common sense. If someone is willing to pay you for your item, maybe you'd better find out if someone else is willing to PAY MORE for it.
9) Be realistic. You are not going to get a 2000 or newer running car in good shape with no dents, scratches or mechanical problems for $400. Stop fucking asking. Yes, you're a single parent, life has shit on you, you're going to school, you have no money... the same is true for pretty much most of the rest of the world. If your transportation needs are that great, lower your damn expectations. "$400 for any half-way decent running car" is a good place to start. It's still not likely to get you a lot of responses, but at least it's more realistic.
10) FFS... if you are offering a service, stop posting it as a "Wanted" ad. What you want are customers, not ITEMS, so stop wasting our time with your "Wanted: Wedding Related" bullshit where you actually are looking for people to rent your stupid chair covers for more money than they're even worth.
11) If you are looking for someone to do web design or programming for you, post it in the Gigs section, and be prepared for those of us who do this for a living to laugh our fucking asses off at you when you say you're offering an "internship" or that you can't pay/can't pay much, but are "willing" to let us use your site in our portfolio. First of all, most of us write it into our contracts that we absolutely will be using any site design we do for you as part of our portfolios. You aren't doing us any favors... you're asking US to do YOU a favor because you're too lazy to take any of the multitude of online courses that teach HTML, CSS and php at such an easy level even my 98 year old grandmother could learn it. Secondly, we know damn well that if you're posting an ad on CL, you aren't in any position to make good on promises of "future payment when product takes off." We've been at this a long time, most of us make a good portion of our money off of freelance work, and we're not nearly as stupid as you think we are. Do you ask your surgeon to take out your appendix for free, too?
12) So you're going to be a mommy. Hooray! Let me offer my congratulations! It's completely understandable that new parents may not have the money for extras like a baby swing, a high-end stroller, pretty room decor, etc. Nothing wrong with asking for people to sell you their gently used items - when my kids grew out of their stuff, I sold it cheaply to other new moms, everyone was happy. If, however, you are sitting down to write an ad about how destitute you are, how you can't afford diapers, how you need a free crib and swing and port-a-crib, and stroller, and bouncy seat, and bassinet, and christening outfit, and clothes, and car seat, and they should all match and have pink bunnies with little green froggies...and...and...and... then really, the ad you SHOULD be writing is "seeking responsible family to adopt..." And that, my dears, comes from an adult adoptee who is typically pretty anti-fucking-adoption "in general." Namely, me.
13) Stop signing your begs with "god bless." Why? Because in so doing, you're screwing yourself. Those who would react positively to such a comment are the types who would offer you help even without the added "god bless." But you make some major huge assumptions about your audience when you add that little line, mainly, that they are all/mostly Christians. This is the internet - and on top of it, this is Michigan. It's a good bet "god bless" isn't viewed as positively as you might hope, and that a whole lot of people who might otherwise have responded with offers are going to click right back out of your post. Not because they are anti-god, or anti-Christian, or whatever - but because they see through your bullshit. They know damn well you've tacked that on hoping to play on the sympathies of "good Christians everywhere." They know you don't mean a word of it, that you're using it as a way to manipulate others. Knock...it...the...fuck...off. The people you ARE fooling can't help you. The people who are NOT fooled, can help, but won't. They may not be Christians, but they don't like seeing Christians manipulated any more than they like seeing it happen to anyone else.
14) If you need help to not get evicted, not get your lights shut off, etc. - sure, you can post an ad asking for help. Who knows, someone might actually respond. But you have a better shot if you take matters into your own hands and start looking for other ways to get those bills paid. Put up a request on http://www.modestneeds.org - be prepared to PROVE your need. Go through your house and sell every damn thing you don't need - all those DVDs, your TV, your stereo, your MP3 player, your cell phone, your laptop - whatever it takes. None of those things will do you a damn bit of good without a roof or electricity, and you can live without all of them and so much more. Sell your shit! Stop expecting someone else to come rescue you. Oh, and here's a tip - when someone emails you and questions why you haven't sold your computer and shut off your cable/internet, don't lie and tell them you're posting from the library. When you email them back, they're going to check the headers on your email and run the IP address - they're going to know you're a Comcast customer, not posting from a library ISP. People don't help liars, particularly those who don't help themselves.
I'm sure there are other points I've forgotten, and I reserve the right to edit this as needed to include them.
If my laptop wasn't our only source of income via my programming and web design, it would be gone like most of our other shit is. My husband has been out of work for months, we don't qualify for any sort of state aid, my medications alone are costing us $300+ and I've actually taken a couple of those stupid "I've got $25 and I need a website today" jobs just so I could buy fucking ramen, bread and peanut butter to feed us. So I GET IT...I understand just how bad it is.
But fuck, have a little dignity people.
P.S. I think I hurt the feelings of a few of the beggars... keep flagging, kids... I know the truth hurts.
Location: Everywhere
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1330775131.html
Are you tired of all those other men who expect an emotional connection? Are you fed up with wasting all your precious time building a rapport before he gives in and sleeps with you? Well, listen up, because I have got a deal for you! For the next 60 minutes, I'll be offering a complete packagethat's my full attention, conversation, and uninterrupted alcohol-facilitated sexual contact followed by a late-night cab ride to my place at no cost to youin exchange for only two drinks and an inquiry into how my night is going. This is the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your lazy eye and bad breath ignored that you can't afford to miss!
Act now to take full advantage of this poor lighting and a temporary lapse in judgment!
I've slashed my hopes for finding Ms. Right and adjusted my height, weight, and personal-hygiene requirements to their most pathetically flexible yet. This is the drop in self- respect you've been waiting for, so why not pull up a bar stool and tell me about your latest shopping excursion? For a limited time, I will even pretend I find this subject matter positively riveting!
It takes absolutely no sincerity to get started, and if you are not completely satisfied with how sexually promiscuous I seem in the first 15 minutes, I'll throw in a misleading and clearly desperate suggestion of bisexualityabsolutely free!
But wait, there's more! You'll also receive a lifetime's supply of low self-esteem compensated for with disproportionate displays of affection just for trying!
How on earth can I offer my still-attractive 28-year-old frame and college education at these low, low standards, you ask? I'll tell you how: by cutting out the unnecessary criteria standing between you and that feeling- me-up-next-to-the-jukebox opportunity you've been hoping for all night. I'm standing by to take your leering glances, and I've reduced my needs to levels unheard-of for anyone under the age of 50! Now there's nothing keeping you from enjoying what literally hundreds of women could also enjoy if they try a moment before you do.
I've got a surplus of romantic disappointments, so all remaining shreds of dignity must go!
Now, I know some men might try to get you to buy into pointless, time-consuming schemes like discussing the music playing in the bar or your respective STD statuses, but not me a half hour before closing time at Jack of the Wood! I recently found out my ex-girlfriend is getting married, and I'm transferring that hopelessness directly on to youthe good people who haven't left with someone else yet. Hairy thighs?? One-bedroom apartment with dad? No hablas inglés? If you've got a minute to speak to me and a pulse, let's make a deal and get me inside you immediately.
I'm practically giving myself away!
How much would you give for this unique opportunity to have such awkward, emotionally deficient, anonymous sex with me that I'll begin to regret it as it's happening? Fifteen minutes of your time? Twenty minutes? Twenty-five minutes?
Whatever's better for you. I just want to get this over with.
Location: Asheville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ash/1304135466.html
I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you.
-Matt
Location: Pearland
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/hou/1290743016.html
i have a bunch of crap (manure) that i would like to unload on you. big steaming pile on my curb; nice and fresh. Let me know if you want to deal with my crap (manure) and I will give you the address.
Thanks,
JIM
Location: north madison
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mad/1275234651.html
I built this guy last Friday & used him to water the lawn all day Saturday. People driving past, gawked at him like they had never seen a guy vomiting a steady stream of water all over the place. I put an ad to offer to sell him on here under "arts & crafts" on Sunday, but didn't get any takers. I did get one very nice peice of fan mail from someone called the Dragon Planter and of course a couple peices of spam. At 1st, I thought I might just keep him, but then thought somebody else might be more "into him" then I am. So am advertising again, and udating this ad on Friday the 17th.
He is life size & made from articulated steel rods w/a detachable ceramic head. The top of which is actually a planter that can have plants planted in it.
He can be posed in pretty much any postion a real human can pose in.
He would be good for filling a swimming pool.
I think if you dressed him like a cowboy & wired him to the fence, he'd make a pretty good stock tank filler too.
The kids would probably like to run through his barf on hot days.
You could put him in or near a pond & use a recirculating pump instead of hooking him to the garden hose.
You could dress him in womens clothes & put a wig on him. Making it a lady puker instead.
I can drive him down to Spokane for another $20, [must be prepaid by money order or check issued from bank of America only] and elsewhere possibly.
Please excuse the poor quality of the photos. I am horrible at taking pictures.
Location: Colville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/spk/1269403672.html
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to two groups of Americans: our military veterans, and all senior citizens who are members of the World War II era, also known as The Greatest Generation. I want to apologize for myself and my generation not doing our part to be more like you. You sacrificed, took risks, did without, and delayed gratification of one sort or another for a cause greater than yourselves.My generation and the rest of the American population has been rather cowardly when it comes to defending our liberties. Not that we have not had plenty volunteer for military service, because we have. Our cowardice has been in not standing up to our own government's weakness, deceit, and manipulation. You see, we have now endured several "wars" which have been pathetic, at best. Not the actions of our soldiers, but the actions of our government and the inaction of our citizens.Most recently, by my count, we have been "at war" for nearly a decade. But honestly, we are not a nation "at war". We are not doing without. We are not stopping our lives to band together, uniting against a common enemy foreign or domestic, fighting to win at all costs, while demanding that our soldiers and citizens be kept out of harm's way unless absolutely necessary.What have we sacrificed to get the ugly job done, whatever the goal is? Where is the sugar rationing? Where is the rubber shortage? Where is the shortage of workers when all available men have gone off to do difficult but necessary tasks? There is no Rosie the Riveter here. Instead, we are told to keep showing up at our cubicles each weekday, and at the malls on weekends. Keep shopping. Keep refinancing our mortgages. And keep watching the war on TV.
We are a rich nation of 300 million people, and we cannot win and end a war? We cannot catch, imprison, or kill our enemy once and for all? We cannot be done with ugly, tragic, and expensive actions and get on with being a kinder, gentler nation? If we were truly "at war", we could achieve this end in 1 day. What a ridiculous scam. And we fell for it, voted for it, sat by and watched it happen.
We lined up like patriotic lemmings with flags on our lapels and allowed groups of privileged men to orchestrate a never-ending series of wars, while most of them NEVER went to war, let alone served their country in uniform. We allowed them to repeatedly install, train, and fund villains that we trembled in fear of, like the boogie man under our bed. Red enemies, yellow enemies, and now anyone tan or with a turban on.
I am not a veteran, so I cannot speak as if I am any better than other non-veterans. But how ironic, that when these ChickenHawks had the opportunity to actually BE in one of those wars they so eagerly send our sons and daughters off to die in, they "had other priorities." Someone aspiring to be Commander-In-Chief chose to serve 4 years of a 6 year enlistment in a stateside National Guard unit, and somehow took a few years leave after that. Second in command claimed marriage as his out. One received seven deferments by teaching business school. Another used his religion's "study abroad" requirement to escape service. Yet another dodged the draft by enrolling in college acting classes. One had a terrible knee, but somehow was able to keep playing in the NFL for 8 more seasons. The cream of this crop had a cyst on his bottom that prevented him from heroic duty. And there are hundreds more.
As detestable as this is to me, I must say I am even more ashamed of our apathy in not defending our own soldiers and citizens from harm. We sit idly by and allow paper warriors to wrap themselves in our sacred flag, shouting out like bullhorns and rattling the sabers of vengeance. We send soldiers into "wars" without enough armor, no clear and definable goal, and no national courage to actually use our might to bring the war to a quick and absolute end. We give up some liberties for our common security, only to allow it to be used to snoop on political enemies. Elderly widows are frisked at the airport to show how serious we are about "homeland security", while the majority of cargo luggage, out of public view, skates through unexamined. We buy the sham, and keep buying those luxury goods and services. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Those who stand up and call the charlatans to the carpet are questioned as unpatriotic. Why is that? Why is it that the folks fighting AGAINST wars and the folks FIGHTING wars are divided? Why are those who protest wars, and those with loved ones carelessly tossed to the dogs of war, are shouting at each other from opposite sides of the street? Why are they not on the same side, there is plenty of room on that curb. We could use a few more radicals at Support The Troops rallies, and a few more moms of soldiers at war protests. Why do we so easily succumb to the "divide and conquer" wedges of class, race, and religion?
Our voluntary duping, apathy, and lemming-like acquiescence to this manipulation is something I have not done my part to rail against, either. I have been too busy consuming, getting, living it up. Certainly not sacrificing. It is embarrassing. Shameful. For that, Greatest Generation and all American veterans, you have my sincere apology. I should have been protecting and looking out for you the way you have protected me. I am relieved that my father and his father are not alive to see this dereliction of civic duty and sorry state of affairs. I am just sorry we did not wait until the rest of The Greatest Generation had passed on, before falling so short of their example.
First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out--
because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out--
because I was not a socialist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out--
because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out--
because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me--
and there was no one left to speak out for me. - Martin Niemoeller, 1946
Location: USA
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1264528443.html
Louisiana Criminal Code Section 62: Simple Burglary--"Simple burglary is the unauthorized entering of any dwelling, vehicle, watercraft, or other structure, moveable or immovable, with the specific intent to commit a felony or any theft therein. Whoever commits the crime of simple burglary shall be fined not more than two thousand dollars, imprisoned with or without hard labor for not more than twelve years, or both."
Let's see:
Unauthorized entry: Check. (My car having windows--as opposed to being made of one solid chunk of titanium-- does not constitute my permission to break one of them when I am out of town, reach in, unlock the door, and enter.)
Of any dwelling, vehicle or watercraft: Check. (Last I checked, Hondas are considered vehicles.)
With specific intent to commit a felony or any theft therein: Check (I can't read your mind seeing as I do not know you, but I can surmise from the missing radio and first generation iPod mini that you intended to steal them when you entered. Of course, maybe you just wanted to come in to look through the stack of magazines in the backseat and when you didn't like the articles you decided to take the radio and iPod...who knows.)
So with all these elements met, I think it's safe to assume that you, whoever you are, did in fact commit a simple burglary when you entered my car and stole my radio and first generation iPod mini. The punishment: up to 12 years in jail--potentially at hard labor!--and/or a 2,000 dollar fine.
So really my question to you, my dear felon, is WHAT could possibly have compelled you to risk such a severe punishment for a radio and iPod that collectively aren't worth more than 60 bucks at a pawn shop or on Ebay? Seriously, what was the overarching NEED that spurred you to take such a risk? Do you have children at home who are starving? In that case--although I wish you would just get a job-- I am not that upset with you. I can get a new radio. And theoretically, you could get new kids if the first ones croak--but no one wants that. So if my radio and iPod went towards gummy bears or DiGiorno pizza or other foodstuffs for your kids, I sort of understand. But somehow, although I don't know you, I doubt it.
So what else? Hmm...did you possibly steal my stuff because you needed to score some drugs? Not to stereotype you, of course, but you see--normal people don't go running around committing simple burglaries so I figure maybe the clutches of addiction were so strong that you HAD to break in and steal my radio and iPod. In that case, I pity you. And I hope you can get the help you need. Because all too often people who turn to crime to pay for a drug habit end up clogging up the American prison systems, hurting their families, and adding to the culture of fear and violence in urban areas. I also realize, if you were stealing to score drugs, that your life is probably really hard and that you would never have turned to drugs in the first place if things had gone your way. But all that being said....it kind of pisses me off to know that while I am driving around listening to silence and smelling the swampy smell of rain that came through the broken window in my car while I was out of town, that you are running around in a blissful state of meth induced psychosis. And truthfully, while I know that the monetary value of the items you took is not very much, I really liked my radio and iPod. It made me smile when during my commute a really good song would come on. And to think that the 10 years of pleasure the radio has given me and 5 years of pleasure the iPod has given me are all gone just for, what, 5 scores of street drugs (sorry, I don't know what crack or meth go for these days) really ticks me off. So, my dear felon, just for the record, if you stole my stuff for drugs, I am kind of pissed at you. But I understand that your life probably sucks so I feel bad for you too.
What else could it be? Perhaps you're just some kid who was trying to show off for your friends. In that case, I am extremely angry with you. You have no excuse for your behavior. I can understand being compelled by extreme need or extreme addiction, but stealing to show off just makes you a coward and a loser. Might I suggest putting your energies into preparing for college? Statistically, you'll be less likely to need to steal car radios and iPods with the increased earning potential you'll have with a college degree. If you go to www.fafsa.gov you can learn all about how to apply for student loans and pay them back. I am sure that if you spent half the time studying that you do burglarizing that you'll be quite adept at the materials on the college entrance exams. May I also suggest extra-curricular activities? Then maybe you can meet some new friends who don't think its funny or cool to commit felonies.
That's all I've got really. I can't think of anything other than necessity, addiction, or just being a plain old dickwad that would cause someone to risk 12 years of jail for 60 bucks worth of old electronics. I don't have an awesome conclusion to this or anything. I just wanted to get it off my chest. And also, if anyone reading this has been considering or has already committed acts of burglary, maybe now that they know how high the consequences are they will think twice. That would make this city a lot better for all of us.
Location: NOLA
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nor/1261072180.html
That's right, a paddle. Lightly used. OK, not that lightly used. Not used on that many people, OK? Mostly just my ex's bottom. And a bit on mine. I tried using it on a really freaky girl a few weeks ago, and that was it - the magic was gone. There was nothing there. I thought paddles were exempt from the typical breakup sex toy uselessness, but I was terribly mistaken. This thing is dead to me.
However, you can make my loss your gain! Seriously, despite my crippling emotional detachment from this paddle and my tendency to replace intimacy with alcohol, I can tell you this is one heck of a paddle.
It is made out of genuine 100% leather, and features beginner (smooth) and intermediate (studded) sides. It fits nicely in your hand, has a nice swing to it, and makes a wonderful sound in either beginner or intermediate modes.
Looking for anything fun, funny, or random. I'm thinking I'll drop this thing off somewhere pre-determined, you can pick it up, and leave whatever we decide to bother for. Quite frankly this whole thing is a little creepy and weird. And awesome.
Please, no dildos, butt plugs, or vibrators - that's just freaky.
Location: South Side
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pit/1258766538.html
Dear Camp Parents,
With week one of our summer day camp behind us, Id like to share a few tips, insights, and rebuttals to your questions. You could even consider this Camp FAQs!
1. Yes, your child NEEDS a lunch EVERY day! We covered this while on the phone when you made the initial inquiry, it was in the brochure, and at the parent orientation. Hell I even used a picture of a mom handing her child a bagged lunch for you Im not so big on reading people. Short of a Power Point presentation with animated cartoons that you probably wouldnt download in the first place, I cant get the point further through to you. Myself, the coolers in the gym wouldve been a tip-off! Dont fret though, our staff gave up their lunch to feed your child. Oh
and youre welcome!
2. YesI need your childs physical and shot record. While you arent all that seemingly worried about their welfare, I for one dont want the doctors in triage guessing. I know
Im an asshole.
3. NoYour childs cell phone cant come to camp. Well handle all emergencies that might arise. If said emergency affects your child, theyll probably be unconscious and unable to report said emergency to
whoever. Theyll be fine as long as I have that pesky health form.
4. NoYour childs DS, handheld PS3, or whatever fucking device--cant come to camp. Your kid forgets his underwear in the locker room! What makes you think they can keep track of a $200 piece of electronics!?!
5. Yes
I realize he goes EVERYWHERE with it, but youre paying me a TON of money to provide activities for your kid. He wont die without his video game! In fact that exercised induced asthma might even lessen some as tubby plays some tag. Had I know you were going to be an insistent twat about this, I wouldve raised my rates $20 a session, stuck your kid in a room, and called myself a technology camp.
6. NoI dont know where your childs Super Mario cart game went! I told you on the phone, in the brochure, and at the orientation to leave that shit home. Most games these days are the size of a friggin postage stampbe glad your kid made it back in one piece and call it a day.
7. Yesit is a big deal! Your ex-boyfriend is here to pick up your child, yknow
the one you supplied custody papers on saying he was to only have SUPERVISED visitation? I know you gots thingz ta do and forget to me, but I need a verbal okie-dokie to release him, while you violate your own court order for your convenience.
8. YesYour child needs a bathing suit EVERY day. We talked about this on the phone, there was a picture of a bathing suit in the brochure, and we talked about it at the parent orientation. We swim. Its summer camp
not ski camp. Noa hot air hand dryer is NOT a substitution for a towel.
9. AbsolutelyWe summer camp staff morons DO expect you to wake up with your child. We expect for you to supervise them, pack their lunch, and make sure they have a bathing suit. We realize that cuts into your sleeping schedule, consider youre NOT working, and the County somehow is only forcing you to pay $1.00 a week for your THREE KIDS, but bite the bullet and step up.
10. YesIt is summer vacation, but that should not mean a med-vacation. Theres a reason your childs doctor prescribed that little mood-altering pill. Without it, your child is a terrorist! Hes a blithering emotional violent assaultive hyper-active train wreck. Without his little pill, your special lil guy will be utterly without success, will make no friends, and well wind up throwing him out of camp as you validate your meds-are-bad philosophy.
In closing, Id like to address the horrified and terribly concerned parents of the little angels who actually had to deal with PEOPLE their own age for the week. I realize you want to protect your little angel, hell I got a camp of 90 little angels. Im still trying to figure them out. Yes, your child will have conflicts. Theyll be upset if they are tagged, called out, tussle for a kick ball, get line jumpedall NORMAL childhood things that have been happening to kids since goddamn dawn of man!
In years past it was far easier to identify and remedy these conflicts. Now since NO ONE seems to parent anymore, the problems are magnified a hundred fold. I know that your child cried all not long because he/she was line jumped. I would submit to you that you have deeper issues to worry about than your child being jostled, when not being line leader is kicking their ass. Your child was DUNKED by another child. He wasnt drowned. Kids do this. They fuck around in water. Its called play. Believe or not, your child doesnt merit a blip on the social radar and most likely one of the other kids wanted to include him. While your child may have been startled, there is no conspiracy to drown your kid.
Rest assured, the staff and I are watching the other monsters to ensure your child isnt victimized, even as he, himself, is being a little bastard towards them. I realize that is not sufficient for some of you and I am considering changing the enrollment process to an application process for next year. A fee increase, as well as a complex bureaucratic application form, would also be likely. In such a way, I could weed out the non-readers who cant be bothered to know what to/what not to bring camp. Id also be able to weed out those I gotz thingz ta do
parents who wouldnt have time to fill out the enrollment form. Obviously anyone left who could NOW pay my parent fee (shit I might get a raise!), would certainly ensure their kids have the basics: lunch and a bathing suit.
The rest of you non-reading, cant-submit-a-physical, Im-taking-him-off-meds, mortified, over-reacting, concerned, Just-didnt-have-time-to-fight-with-him/her-this-morning shitheads can send your kid to grandmas house for the summer!
Oh thats right
that BITCH cant stand your kid for 10 hours a day either!!! Coincidence?
**This weeks tip**: Remember parents
loving your child isnt enough. You have to parent them too! Take them out of the epi-center of your universe and help them deal with the expected little childhood traumas and I guarantee you theyll become a healthy adult and wont shoot up a school at 15!
Sincerely yours,
Your Camp Director
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/alb/1254520589.html
Almost everything must go from my 2 family house, the Bank wants to foreclose on 9/11( im serious about the date). 1 black Amana fridge, freezer on the bottom(must stay till end of July). 1 stove, $75.oo each(1 must stay till the end of July as well) must move it yourself. 2 microwaves $50.00 each 2 A/C's 5,200 btu's, $50.00 each, a few portable heaters at $30.00 each. 4 star trek models, $20.00 each(collectable items), and spider-man comics from early 90's (price negotiable from serious collectors). my own artwork(im not famous, but my work is bizarre), oil & acrylic paintings, woodcuts and lithographs and other.
also now adding my movie collection(action,comedy,thrillers)and my CD collection(rock,rap,heavy metal,thechno,industrial) at .50cent each when bought in bulk
Also will be selling my blood(has been checked for everything and im clean), my sperm(im also from good stock), my kidneys (barely used), 1 liver (lots of mileage, not the best organ in my body), and my heart which has been broken, but it is still strong ehough for someone suitable.........and my soul.
washer/dryer has been sold(i will add to this list as i sell things),1 stove is also gone
Location: chicopee ma
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wma/1251516061.html
Hello,
I'm looking for a briefcase full of hundred dollar bills. I'm willing to accept larger types of bags with smaller denominations as well. Willing to travel. In fact, I have a large pickup truck that could reasonably accomodate several large bags of any kind of cash. If you are in the position to help me out with this, please drop me a note (pun intended).
Location: Anywhere
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nmi/1239542669.html
Wow, sassy.
You, mister, rode up on your fixie so smooth and tantalizing. Key's dangling from your black jeans, held on only by that huge metal clip you got in the accessory department at American Apparel. I start to flow. "Ching Ching", the sound of your movement as the mystery in you hops off that $3000 overpriced one gear ten speed. Something in your spokes. A ticket to something you heard on 88 nine?
Sweating from the climb up Bradford Beach Hill, it drips down your manly chest and I can see it shimmer through the transparency of the worn cotton Iron Maiden reprint black shirt. There would be more glistening "you" if it wasn't for that messenger cap affixed to your thigh rubbing melon. I can almost feel you enter, um, the door already.
You stroll in, Chrome bag firmly attached to your body. Shiny, efficient, old timey car belt buckle strapping you in. My mind thinks of things it wants to strap into you, but that bag is so huge that I'm not sure if your Brady Street futon could hold all three of us. I shy into a corner booth, you shake hands with another fully tatted bro, a hug, a wink, is there something unspoken between you two? God, the tingle intensifies. I picture your twin mirror version bar friend replacing your biker bag in bed in a wicked threesome of bike polo proportions. Use my womanhood as your goal, as your net. No worries, I won't deduct a penalty stroke for your inadequacies.
Your voice beckons me. I over hear it. A whisper of music, local of course. A band with a Moog? A DJ maybe who is spinning soul music, stolen from father's record collection, in a dark venue where maidens dance and vnecks droop? Fuck me now. I watch, waiting. A Pabst, yummy. I subconsciously hear you ask me to share, but you don't. Jameson now pours between you and your Olsen twin like friend. Possibly trying to ooze your discomfort level before you awkwardly say hi to me? My outer mini penis swells with veracity. Then, my god, you leave in a whirlwind! What happened? Did I not move fast enough? Is the Swinging Door beckoning the masses to it's mecca? Is there a new place. a new space, that hasn't been tagged that you need to cover with your art? It is art, I know, I sympathize with your need to be seen in letters and squiggly marks. MIAD taught us well. Don't leave biker boy! I need to have your baby, we need to pro-create! We need to multiply! Call me on your iPhone, I set the unknown ringer to the sound of sheep in lust, "bah bah bah".
Location: eastside
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/mil/1222623075.html
I WAS THE GUY IN THE 3RD BOOTH, YOU POKED YOUR FINGER THROUGH THE HOLE, I FOUND IT WIERD THAT YOUR KNUCKLES WERE THAT HAIRY, BUT I UNDERSTAND HOREMONES. I PUT MY STUFF IN THE HOLE AND YOU WENT TO TOWN. IT WAS THE BEST I EVER HAD. YOUR HANDS WERE KINDA BIG AND WHEN YOU CLEARED YOUR THROAT, YOUR COUGH WAS KINDA DEEP. I KNOW YOU WERE A WOMAN BECAUSE I AM NOT GAY. I LOVE YOU A LOT AND WANT TO MARY YOU. I CAME BACK LATER, BUT THERE WERE ONLY GUYS IN THERE.
Location: TAYLOR
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/det/1209478908.html
********PENGUINS STILL AVAILABLE! Thank you for the overwhelming response********
What I'm offering here is about 300 stuffed penguins of various shapes, sizes, and species (predominately Emperor, though--like the kind in March of the Penguins) to a deserving child.
I'm going through a pretty weird time in my life right now--having just gone through a break-up and graduated college and temporarily living in my parents' house before I move out for good in in the fall, though I remain unemployed because my philosophy degree is at *such* a premium--and sifting through my room (which has become a strange amalgam of my adolescence and burgeoning adulthood), it's been brought to my attention that I probably won't "catch a man" or have anyone believe I'm about to turn 23 with 300 penguins and a bunch of purple furniture around, that looking at my current room one might think some sort of 13-year-old with developmental issues is living here. I loved penguins as a child--long before they were trendy and had their own series of CGI movies or the godly voice of Morgan Freeman was involved--and collected them, often putting on penguin weddings and penguin ballet recitals where I made costumes for individual penguins, all of whom had names that I kept track of on my penguin censuses. I could recite all 16 species of penguin in alphabetical order...
...so, yes, I feel justified in saying I want a deserving child. A child that will really, well, love the penguins, and cherish his/her youth with them as it slowly slips away... Or, alternatively, some adult who has a great use for them, like if you are making the next big penguin movie (or play?). Or, if you are opening some new theme restaurant in town and need my penguins for your decor. As long as I'm auctioning off my childhood to the highest bidder, I reserve the right to be a little choosy.
E-mail with your intentions and we will work something out.
Location: NW
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/aus/1208932583.html
Life's a bitch, ain't it?
You're missing a few stitches in your skull surgery. Maybe I can be of help:
1. Women do not age to piss you off. Rubber bozo dolls do not age as quickly; try one of those.
2. They do not live to please you; they just live. Age and the changes in their bodies catch them off guard too and they cope. Some get surgeries; some are charming enough that they don't need them.
3. They probably care about quality of life and so they may take care of themselves. They love the feel of their muscles and are happy for the energy they feel and that clothes fit well. They are not competing in a contest for your approval.
4. You're not as charming or attractive as you think you are. A young hottie may want...a young hottie.
5. You're getting older too. Hopefully, you do not get prostate cancer and can no longer get an erection. Who's going to love you then in your sex-obsessed life? You wanted a nympho and now you can't deliver. Now what good are you?
6. We meet you "tittie" guys all the time and feel sorry for your stupid simpleness. You're all the same - hanging out drinking beer with other guys (not women) and getting all skanky and talking about "titties" and acting as if the women who cross your pathetic paths are in a beauty pageant for your assessment. Truth be told? We are happy when you are not attracted to us. REALLY, really happy. We know you are lousy companions with less than zero to offer to make an interesting daily relationship. Zzzzzzzzzz.
You've stopped reading, haven't you? A 3-D woman with a brain is boring. And the young, wild "girls" no longer cry over you the way they did when you were a boy of summer or a teen idol. It's the Al Bundy syndrome.
The really "lucky" men have known someone that was so intriguing and special that he's happy she's still breathing. A disfiguring car accident, disease, or old age cannot blind him to that irreplaceable soul he would never trade for anything. And, if she left too soon, he would gladly give his man parts to have her back again and spends nights hoping that it's possible to be with her again after his life is over.
Being presented with a younger, cheaper imitation of the real thing is just not acceptable. And he's daring enough to stay true to that 'til the end of his life...he's not desperate. Maybe he meets someone new? Maybe not. Anyone new would have to be as interesting or more so.
So, us aging broads get it. We just feel sorry for you that you have obviously missed a crucial developmental, quality stage of life and are forever trapped in Disneyland. Most of us outgrew that phase. Good luck with the hotties - may they never grow old or seem unsatisfyingly immature to you.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sdo/1184872154.html
We have an opening for a part-time personal introduction assistant, aka a "wingwoman."
You must be classy and dress well.
Beyond that you must be able to do 4 things: 1) start conversations with beautiful women; 2) after that, remain totally silent, unless spoken directly to, but smile and look friendly while the man you are "winging" orchestrates the social situation; 3) socialize and block any man or woman attempting to interfere with the man you are winging and any woman he is chatting with; and 4) end any conversation you are having instantly at the direction of the man you are winging. These requirements are essential, not for everyone, and difficult to do well.
Now, this is a job (that's why you get paid), but it's very fun, and you may even make new friends, or even meet someone special, if it doesn't interfere with your primary employment purpose.
This job is not for you if you are uptight, frumpy, grumpy, shy, a man-hater, a debbie downer, a critic, a control freak, a pouter, a therapist, researching, writing an article, with the press, a prostitute, an escort, a relationship counselor, or a feminist with a bone to pick. Gack.
You must be 18, usually 21 for the events we attend. All work is in public at cocktail parties, charity benefits, museum openings, and the like. You will be added to any list in advance, and any fees for the event will be paid. You are responsible for transportion. Subways are $2. Although many events have free food and drink, this isn't dating, so don't ask to be bought anything. If you do ask, by mistake, don't be grumpy and bring the mood down when the answer is a polite no, or you will be paid for the time you have spent and politely sent packing.
This job is definitely for you if you are easygoing, classy, dress extremely well, and enjoy many, varied, and sometimes challenging social situations.
Our roster of full-time wingwomen is full, but we do have a part-time opening. Yes we are serious. Yes we are real. You might even have the time of your life.
Fan mail, hate mail, and non-responsive replies will not receive answers, so save us both the time and don't bother.
Please respond with a photo and contact information to the craigslist email in this ad. Thank you for your time.
Compensation: $30/hour
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/1179876392.html
Car attic. 3'x3'x18" That's about 14 cubic ft. for you mathophobics. No leaks. Can be locked with padlocks. Roof racks not required, but it isn't magic. Clamps to vehicle rain gutters. Look at your vehicle: if you don't have any place for it to hook on to, it'll fly - and that's not what you want! Red Green fans: don't even think about duck tape.
Can be used as a spacious, 1 bedroom loft for the mother-in-law. How about a little peace and quiet from your yappy mongrel? Kids need separating? Portable hot tub? If you travel with a lot of cats, fill it with kitty litter. Your woody will be the envy of the neighbourhood sporting this multipurpose addition to your modern lifestyle. No trailer hitch? No problem! Turn your 4 banger into a mini-pickup. Double your haul (in or out) at the next flea market. Take a load to the dump. BTW, they don't take terrible twos, teens in any state of mind (I tried), couch potatoes (whew), etc. Now you can finally relive your hippie days: just slap this on your VW bus and head for the next Woodstock. Highway only air conditioning can easily be implemented with a 1/2" drill bit, but this would void the warranty, if it had one, and may limit the unit to non-aquatic uses (see below).
Not convinced you need this? Wait! There's more. Yes, better than a paring knife. Leave the lid at home and you've got a balcony for the next air show. Concerned about sinking ferries? This may just keep your Cooper afloat. Take that "business" trip: she'll never suspect it's full of fishin' gear. Yessiree, it floats! Attach an outboard at your own risk and if you do, I wouldn't suggest intercontinental travel or even an Alaska cruise. However, it would also increase the resale value of any $1M+ yacht - it can store life preservers and double as a life raft.
Don't even have a car? Hey, don't let that stop you from acquiring this gem. A sandbox in the backyard will surely increase your ratings on the next kid Gallup poll. Catch rainwater for the garden; fish pond; garden planter; small swimming pool or jacuzzi (use any old vacuum in reverse for bubbles); massive bird bath; live animal trap; bomb shelter...well, you get the idea: indispensable. It's light. Take it home on the skytrain or bike rack of any bus, but best to avoid peak hours.
Sorry, no quantity discounts. Hurry! Only one left. Cars pictured below are for illustrative purposes only and are not included (duh), but I might be able to set you up with enough lawnmower parts for self-propulsion, which may get you some additional carbon tax refund. But...I digress. If you require an owner's manual, print this page.
Enter v3r7a8 on craigslist homepage to see all my posted stuff.
Location: North Surrey
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1169761089.html
I applaud your willingness to talk to a dog-owner whose dog is taking a shit and question if they're going to pick it up as they walk away. However...
My backstory is simply this. I had to park 3 blocks away from Cedric's bookstore since the closer spot I wanted I was nearly backed into whilst the car in front of me although already passed, decided to take it. Thus making me have to turn my car in reverse in about 2 seconds or else be hit. Needless to say I took my dog and walked her to the store since I didn't want to leave her there. So no I didn't have any paper/plastic bags on me as I was walking back to my car and my dog so delightfully decided to have a bowel movement right there.
I know the poo was about the size of a dime, but props for still getting on my back about it. I told you I was going to get a bag. Your reply? "How do I know you're coming back?"
To put it simply you don't. At least have the balls to back up something like that, I was gone for literally 20 seconds to get a bag and when I got back you were gone. So why even ask that if you're not even going to stay and make sure? Perhaps you should have followed me back to Cedric's as I got a bag and hunched down and watched me pick up my dog's excrement just to make sure. It would've at least added to your stalkerish demeanor. What I really wanted to say in reply was "how do I know you're going to lose weight?" For starters, I want to beg you on behalf on everyones' eyesight to wear a shirt that isn't 5 sizes too small for you; I was planning on grabbing lunch afterwards, but you pretty much altered that thought right out of my head as I felt gag reflexes emerging as I glanced at your overweight size in undersized clothing. Not to mention you're just plain fugly looking by anyones' and I mean ANYONES' standards.
In truth we don't know each other, you don't know if I picked up my dog's crap, I don't know if you actually went jogging since I saw you walk by Cedric's, and stretch up against a wall on the other side. No actual jogging/speed-walking attempt was made. So I'm going to ask you nicely this once to not attempt to ruin a beautiful day for someone, especially as stranger unless you are planning on backing up your talk. If I ever see you again and you repeat this style of manner, I will slice the bacon off your back. Got it pudgy?
Have a glorious day!
Location: PSU campus
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/pdx/1167750729.html
When I look back at where I was a year ago I see myself with good friends, loving family, and a awesome job... Now this year im working at a 7.00 an hour job, im broke, living with my sister, I dont know where my real friends are or if I have any... I had to work all day on my birthday, really rude people and the only thing I had to look foward to was eating a 1.89 frozen pizza for lunch. If this was any other day I would of been ok with it but it had to be my birthday... I should just ignore them from now on
Location: Knoxville
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/knx/1127826109.html
I would like to begin producing milk again. I understand what is involved and need the help of someone that can commit to 4 days a week, one hour a day,,, 6:00am to 7:00am, monday through thursday. I need someone that can suckle 15 minutes on each side. I am not seeking a sex partner.. I don;t want to give it out or get it.. got it.. just someone that is willing to suck on my breasts for about a half an hour every morning. I need at least a one week commitment and am looking for more than one person as i understand this is actually more work than it seems. I am presently pumping a few times a day and manualy manipulating my nipples when I can't pump. I am not lactating presently so please, if you are expecting to drink, its not happening yet. Please only serious apply... and please be in your 40's.. I am uncomfortable with people that aren't my age.
Location: pierce county
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/1119633683.html
This is a special thanks to all of the guys that put on a free concert at guitar center everyday, we appreciate everything you do for our community. Like when I go in to actually purchase something, you come sit right next to me and play your "top shelf" ibanez through any solid state monster in the store, and show me how fast you can tap. Or like when I am asking someone a question and you stepped up to the plate and instead tell us all how incredible your band is. Another reason I am so impressed by you guys, is how you find time to come to guitar center every day when you're always out on the road touring. It's already pretty hard to sift through the wealth of knowledge available behind the counter, but when you add your countless years of experience in to the equation, there is no end.
Another way that you guys have changed my life is through my use of equipment. Over the years I've always thought that boutique pedals and custom tube configurations really contributed to my overall tone, yet you proved me wrong. Just from watching you play both measures you know from Free Bird, I learned that all I really need is a digitech floor board or a line 6 product to get the job done. Just hearing you guys really shred on your speed metal makes me wonder why people still listen to bands like The Beatles, Coldplay or U2.
Thanks again for all you've done for me personally, you've really taught me that everything I thought I knew must be wrong, I am forever in debt to you. Because of this, I am now looking for a new drummer. Currently my drummer plays with a metronome and is way to solid and tasteful, consider him gone! If you are one of those guys in the drum dept. that knows that fast double bass is so much more important than keeping time, you're the one for me. So what if you don't own a drum set and therefore never practice, who needs practice when you're a prodigy? Who care's if you came in 7th place at last years drum off, the judges were conspiring against you.
Last but not least, I am also holding auditions for a bass player. Currently my bass player plays through this stupid little ampeg 8x10 cab & head with a few vintage fender basses, and all he knows how to do is stay with the kick drum. Who cares that he's never made a mistake, or that he could write a book on music theory, what matters is that he can't slap. If there's one thing that can make any passionately slow song sound even better, that would be slap bass. So what if these pocket bass players like Adam Clayton are living in mansions and you're working at the mall, you know that slap bass is what's gonna bring in the big bucks. don't worry, you'll get your chance, the world won't know what hit'em.
thanks again!
Location: Hoover
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bhm/1119217946.html
Here in South Carolina we have a governor who wants to turn down the stimulus funds for education. We are not happy about this, but, heck, apparently there are people out there who admire this guy.
So, if you and your state want this guy, you give us your stimulus money and we'll give you Mark Sanford.
This deal is contingent on the following:
- A majority of the voters in South Carolina must agree that they'd rather have stimulus funds than Mark Sanford (and that's practically a given); and
- A majority of the voters in your state must agree that they would rather have Mark Sanford than their stimulus funds. (That one's up to you.)
Please let us know when you have held a referendum on this matter. The Governor will go to the bidding state with the most stimulus money offered.
Location: South Carolina
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cha/1114593524.html
Dear employers with job openings,
I just want to take a moment or two to thank all the companies that now only use online applications for the jobs for which I am best qualified. I'm so happy to know that in the past eight years, you have dropped the very impersonal practice of requesting well written resumes (which took the place of having me come into your place of business in person and fill out an application by hand) and now for convenience, give me the opportunity to waste my fucking time trying to guess what it is you want me to write in your online application fields in eight words or less, what work I've done that will make you call me for an interview. Because of this new-found simple-mindedness of yours, I can guarantee that you will have the weakest, most uninteresting, unmotivated new-hires EVER!
Because I have had to have more than three jobs in the past eight years, at which I have excelled, some of which I was laid-off from due to down-sizing, and most of which are your competitors in the marketplace, you will never know what I have done because you only allow three previous employers in your simple, automated application program or only want experience from the past five years.
Because I have always been capable of doing more than one thing at a time, you will never know that as a free-lance writer/costume designer/photographer, what I have done Monday through Friday to support myself quite well, thank you, is to be the most efficient, bright, hard-working, easy-going, intelligent and dependable administrative assistant an employer could wish for. But you will never know that because your measly-ass job application program is only looking for words your witless HR staff has programmed it to look for and then spitting out applications by people like myself with a form email thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck.
Thank you also for the Myers-Briggs psychometric type test to see if I actually would be able to sit next to another person and not drive them crazy.
Thank you for sparing me the waste of my time outshining most of your other staff in their presence by having me come in to your office in person, dressed to the nines, flashing my intensely alert eyes at you, and shaking your hand with confidence, yet sensitively. You wouldn't hire me anyway because I'm probably more interesting than you and therefore a threat.
You have saved me from the humiliation of taking a position with a company that probably has the dullest, most unadventurous, most boring staff that has been hired through this elimination process of an online application to which you have given ultimate authority to decide, only by the selection of some dozen or so "key" words, to interview.
And we wonder why there are banks going under, businesses making toxic loans, stock market losses, medical errors, corruption, Bernie Madoffs in the world, and police who can't allow a family to be with their dying mother so he can write a ticket.
Yours very truly,
The one that got away
Location: The internets
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/1108182666.html
I see a lot of offers for trade so I want to give it a shot!
I have a wife I will trade for a Harley Davidson! No SMALL bikes. I need something as big as my wife. She cooks and cleans, has a job! American born. I will equal the value of the bike if it is Heritage or Road King, even a Dresser by throwing in the Mom! I will be glad to deliver and pick up the bike. Or if you want you bring the bike and stay here! House and kids included if it is a real nice custome chromed out, and very low mileage.
If you fill the tank and keep it running out front I will leave you the dog too.
YOU can't beat this deal with a stick, unless you are "The Quiet Man".
Location: Philly
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/1107641656.html
You were sitting two rows front of me wearing a hulk-a-mania teeshirt. I was wearing a yankes cap and had the funky looking cane. You start rubbing your stomach and groaning which progress to audible farting and moaning, very sexy! I try to get the fuck off at the next stop to get away from You. When the bus stops You jump up right in front of me, Rude. I then Watch/Smell You dump a huge load of shit your jeans, Nice:) Get a diper tard.
Location: Cottage Grove
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/eug/1107514950.html
Hey, so you ran into an old friend did you? Or the big sale on all cuts of beef has you in a frenzy? Can't decide which granola looks the best?
Well GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
I swear, I see people standing dead center in a main aisleway, carts nose-to-nose SIDEWAYS, completely blocking everyone's path, yakking about everything from soccer to the economy. WE'RE HERE TO BUY SHIT AND GO HOME DUMBASSES. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
See, some of us will park our carts in an inconsipcuous location while considering our purchases, because we're considerate of others. Not you. No, you need to stop and talk. Right in the middle of the lane. You couldn't possibly NOT notice that everyone is running into your carts while trying to squeeze past your idiotic fat ass. So I guess you just don't give a shit. I also know damn well that you heard me mutter, "fucking morons" as I ran into your cart while squeezing past. What the hell is wrong with you???
Oh, and how about you moms who like to march up the aisle with all 12 of your little heathens lined up like you're a moving defensive line in a game of red rover? SINGLE FILE, PEOPLE! Line those bastards up, and move 'em out.
Furthermore, if you want to stand and gawk at the islands set up just inside the lobby, how about you do that BEFORE grabbing a cart and proceeding to jackknife the whole damn entrance? GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
The very sight of a cart in the bread aisle makes me want to punch you in your clueless face. That aisle is barely big enough for people to traverse, much less push carts. So park it somewhere else while you grab your bread. What, are you buying so many loaves that your arms can't handle the 20 foot commute? Afraid your cart will be stolen by someone who noticed your cart was already filled with all the items on his/her list and figured walking away with your cart was so much more appealing than going and picking out his own sardines and pop tarts? Well heaven forbid YOUR time should be wasted at the store.
To all stop-and-talkers, stop-and-gawkers, and moms shopping with armies:
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
Location: akron, oh
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/cak/1097625403.html
You arrested me last night for a DUII. The second you put the handcuffs on me I couldn't help myself but to start having dirty thoughts about you. I love your power. It totally gets me off! I loved being in handcuffs and at your mercy. Thanks for the great night.
Location: salem
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sle/1095301245.html
Okay so here's the story. I have a bullfrog named Herman. He eats feeder fish (about 1 dozen every 5-6 days... he's got quite the appetite.) that I get from a local store. A few weeks ago I bought him a round of victims and he ate all of them except this one small brownish/greenish fish. I figured it was just because he wasn't hungry but I have never seen him pass up a meal. I left the fish in his tank, feeding the fish daily to keep him alive, and still... Herman wouldn't eat him. I eventually felt sorry for the fish and put him in with the rest of the feeder fish in the feeder tank. I did some research including posting on here asking what kind of fish he was, and figured he was either a juvenile cichlid of some-sort or just an ugly feeder. He'd been in there for about a week before I started calling him "Snack" and yesterday I finally broke down and bought him his own tank and a cute little Pearlscale goldfish to keep him company.
This morning I was watching them swim and to my horror... Snack started attacking the Pearlscale!!! I put him back in the feeder tank to save the Pearlscale from getting hurt (he's cute!) and he started attacking the Feeders! WTF SNACK??!?!?
I did some more research and have discovered that he is not a feeder fish or a cichlid, but a juvenile Green Sunfish. They are SUPER aggressive and territorial and do best as a single fish (with something like a Crayfish as a friend as they are both pond dwellers and won't eat eachother) or in groups (but only from when they are babies)... I read about some people keeping them with Cichlids since they are also aggressive, but as of now, I can't keep him with the Pearlscale or the feeders... He's a jerk. An angry, territorial jerk. hahaah...
I'm posting to see if anyone has an interest in adding him (or her) to their tank of Cichlids, or starting a new tank? He's about 2 inches long at the moment, so you can start off with a smaller tank and just have the tank grow with him? I'd trade for something cute, little and non-aggressive that I can keep with the Pearlscale (Shrimp, another Pearlscale (small), African dwarf frog, etc...)
Let me know what you have, and we'll take it from there. Don't say I didn't warn you that this fish was a jerk tho... :)
Jessie
Location: Downtown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tor/1053547604.html
The last programmer I hired told me I accidentally deleted all the java googles in my script folder. He was charging me an arm and a leg to fix it.
Apparently it all needs to be converted to a Norton Anti-Virus file so it can be searchable with a SEO blog widget, so i have to reprogram the flash or upsize it with PHP.
I just can't afford to keep paying him to fix this problem.
This may lead to other opportunities for the right person.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: according to abilities
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/slc/1052576173.html
My wife and I went to Mardi Gras so we could experience some wonderful diversity. I danced in the streets with a few wonderfully diverse people, both men and women, while my wife had sex with a line of strange men in a portable washroom, several at a time.
She dosen't like to dance much anyway.
One person I was dancing with asked for some change but I had none.
Another person said I should be nice to him and buy him a beer, instead I was kind enough to let him finish a half cup of beer I had purchased earlier in the day that had grown luke warm while we danced. I hope he enjoyed it since he didn't return the cup when he had finished but thats ok as I purchased another and returned to dancing with other people.
I was getting hungry and set off to find some wonderfully divers food like Gumbo, Gritts or chicken, something ethnic like that, when I came upon a tall fat woman streched out across the sidewalk and vomiting in the gutter. When she finished heaving and grunting she wiped the spital from around her mouth, smeared it on her shirt and asked if I wanted to buy some " Meths".
I gave her some money but she never returned with it or them.
In the garbage strewn gutter, right next to where she had originally thrown
up, I found some decorative beads. I asked around for the original owner but got little response from my fellow party goers so I took them to the lost and found at a nearby bar, the same one I purchased the beer from as a matter of fact.
Inside the bar, a strange woman pulled her top up to expose her breasts but didn't take her bra off, so what was the point of that?
When I asked her why she didn't expose her breasts she said she wanted a beer so I bought her one but she still never exposed her breasts.
As I left the bar I noticed my wallet was gone so I went back inside to inquire as to its where abouts but got little response from the patrons.The diverse bartender said it might show up in a few days so I'll have to go back and get it. On the way out I noticed the woman with the breasts decide to expose them to some other guys in the back area of the bar.
When I finally found my wife we decided to leave because we were about out of money and our house is about to be foreclosed on.
When we got back to our car we noticed someone had broken in and deficated on the driver seat. It looed as tho they were trying to spell something but it's somewhat unclear at this point as to what it was, so we cleaned it up as best as we could but you can still smell it and there is also a huge stain on the seat. Needless to say we had to drive back to Des Peres with our windows partially rolled down.
Someone also stole the windshield wiper blades off our vehicle but we have now replaced them.
Now that I think of it, those beads probably belonged to that tall, fat woman who was puking in the gutter.
Location: Soulard
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/stl/1047706124.html
I am a submissive white male living in london looking for a female, or couple, of artists who would like the challenge of designing human furniture which is comfortable for the user while objcetifying for the person being used. I would be in the role of furniture model, and could be a footrest, table, chair, etc. I would pay 200 Pounds an hour for this, and am looking for a female or couple which have a dominant personality. There is no nudity or sex involved whatsoever
Location: London
Compensation: 200 pounds an hour
This is a part-time job.
OK for recruiters to contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/1046885222.html
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