Blank White Cards
Created by tatercakes on Jul 25, 2008
Last updated: 03/11/10 at 10:46 AM
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Never get involved in a land war in Latin America either.
Jared here. A club mix. With dancing women over it. I’d sue the bastards, but damned if it doesn’t somehow feel truer than my original acoustic version.
Jared here. I figured out what a hypothetical pastry expense is, and no I won’t tell you because it’s like Tubgirl to the factor of 2 Girls One Cup times Beverly Hills Chihuahua. Oh god, if I say that does that mean we’re sponsored by them now? I hope not. Unless they pay as much as the price of a fleet of Smart Cars. WHY DID HE GET US FIVE SMART CARS?
Having shut him up, I resumed the Sudoku. Many fine Sudoku have been completed in a cafe. People like to say Sudoku. Say it with me. Sudoku. Sudoku. Roll it around until it sounds like a sushi roll. Like a fish. I’ll have the Sudoku. One Sudoku Nigiri. It’s not racist, it’s Japanese.
The strip club does have a buffet, but we figured we shouldn’t tempt fate, since we’d already cheated the odds on hepatitis.
Oh look! It is as if Digg itself sponsored this video and not as if we stole a wallpaper image from a DeviantArt site! Are we suggesting that you, precious viewer, submit this video to Digg.com and thereby ruin the show with an influx of irony-deficient webtards? Never! We’d never buy cheap fleeting attention at the expense of our — Jesus Christ, that’s our TOTAL view count? That’s barely even a number. DIGG THIS CLIP YOU BASTARD PEOPLE.
I just did MOMA in twenty minutes. Now I’m off to see a Philip Glass concert at 32x speed before my daily session of yoga-in-a-jiffy.
How callous was my heart before
I met an angel named Lenore
Actually she’s named Shontay
She’s pretty hot stuff either way.
Gee, Nick, thanks for posting this! No, honestly. Seeeeeriously. But seriously. Not. Not not. I was kidding. About “Not.” About it being true. PSYCH
Nick gained plenty of executive experience as assistant manager at a now-closed Starbucks.
Jared here. I’ll say it again: We just can’t wonder any more. God? Dead. Love? Pheromones. The only remaining mystery is Hannah Montana.
When it’s time to repopulate the world, I’m not taking my chances.
Nick here. I also replaced my sleep with placebo sleep: I think I’m dreaming but I’m really just on a sugar pill. And acid.
Everyone knows about Washington’s false teeth, but few know about his love for David Caruso. Ha ha, a historical figure is being inappropriate!
Of course, since Nick has the Capgras delusion, he thinks all the people he’s only seen once before have been replaced by actors whom he’s never seen again.
Jared here. I really liked that cat, I think. Unless it was a small dog.
I suppose it’s better than the time he told me he’d learned Chinese.
Nick here. My next project is a thousand finger-play fortune tellers. I’m not wishing for anything, I just have a grade school I want to bend to my will. Anyone have a collection of eight thousand hypnotic triggers?
Jared here with a peek at this sketch’s deleted scenes:
“His grave was covered in FLOURS!”
“Gramps died just like my baNANA!”
“The funeral took place on a SUNDAE!”
But last time it was so FUN
Can someone recommend a hangover cure? The lingering effect of OH GOD CLEAR A PATH CLEAR A PATH TO THE BATHROOM
I’m sorry, everyone. Jared will not just read the script I’ve written for him. Nothing’s ever good enough for the talent!
Nick here. Guess over the weekend I’ll need to get a haircut that looks exactly like the one I’ve had in all previous sketches!
Hey all! Looks like we’re so hard up for gags that we’ve been robbing the grave of Calvin and Hobbes creator Bill Watterson, and he’s NOT EVEN DEAD.
˙ʞɔıɯɯıƃ ɐ s,ʇı ‘puɐʇs ʇ,uɐɔ ı ƃuıɥʇ ǝuo s,ǝɹǝɥʇ ɟı ˙ǝɹǝɥ ʞɔıu
Jared here. This was the fifteenth take and the first time Nick didn’t draw blood.
Welcome back, hardy few. Jared here. You should have seen Nick’s little legs flapping and then going limp as he bobbed to the surface.
Some poor soul told me they avoided watching these clips Jared and I made. They thought each one was an hour long. Let me assure you we are far too lazy to shoot anything much longer than a pop song. In fact Jared wears very tiny earphones during our shoots so he doesn’t actually have to listen to me, and when he finishes hearing a pop song, we have to switch to the next sketch.
Hello again, it’s Nick. Jared is not a romantic. He once took a girl to a first date at a slaughterhouse. He says this saved him a fortune on dinner.
Hello, Nick here. Jared and I cannot agree on the merits of Axe. Disappointing, because when he’s not around I’ve been dousing his bedsheets in it.
Nick: Nick Douglas
Jared: Jared Horney
Director: Justin Morrison
Title card: Bryan McKay