Dipity
AmyJane
What am I doing NOW, @jimray?
- 10/21, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
@SuperStrong I don't know what any of those words mean.
- 10/21, 12pm
from web
AmyJane
I just saw a man who is apparently cultivating Hulk Hogan look. I mean, he has to be, right? That doesn't just happen by accident.
- 10/12, 2pm
from web
AmyJane
Awkward religious talk with Jonas spurred by Jesus sand sculptures. "So I guess Jesus is a zombie, right?" Good enough.
- 7/24, 8am
from web
AmyJane
The secret to parenting is remembering what it was like to be a kid.
Admit it, that'd be deep if you all didn't know I'm an awful parent.
- 4/27, 9am
from web
AmyJane
Looking at our high school yearbooks. I have been in love with my husband for exactly 20 years.
Also, what was I thinking with that hair?
- 4/19, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
Jonas is not buying the Easter bunny bullshit. This is totally destroying Santa Claus's credibility.
- 4/11, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
The best part about our neighborhood is that you get all the filth of a major city yet you can occasionally step in horse shit.
- 2/26, 8am
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AmyJane
Full disclosure: I first watched it on an AIRPLANE, people. You can't judge someone by what she watches on a plane or listens to at the gym.
- 2/4, 11am
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AmyJane
I'm not even that nerdy but today I had a weird spot in my vision and my first thought was, "Damn, I have a blown pixel."
- 2/2, 6pm
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AmyJane
If the Steelers lose, my husband will be intolerable.
- 2/1, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
Today at the gym, from about 20 feet away, I sprayed a man in the face with some industrial cleanser. So now I have to find a new gym.
- 1/28, 9am
from web
AmyJane
I saw "RIP Updike" and I thought, "Monteiro, this time you've gone too far!" But it was a Coudal tweet and it's real and I'm sad.
- 1/27, 10am
from web
AmyJane
The man with thousands of dollars in cameras, pens, apps, and cables is going to give me shit about how much toilet paper I use? SERIOUSLY?
- 1/24, 8am
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AmyJane
Getting a child into school is both soul-sucking and gut-wrenching. And I should know, because I've been to law school.
- 1/23, 7pm
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AmyJane
Me: "Since it's your birthday, you can get a soda." Jonas: "I AM GOING TO DRINK THE CRAP OUT OF THAT SODA!" Awesome.
- 1/15, 5pm
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AmyJane
John is trying to convince Jonas that a piñata would be just as fun filled with Japanese pens, Field Notes, and paperclips.
- 1/14, 12pm
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AmyJane
Well, now I miss Pittsburgh.
- 1/12, 8pm
from web
AmyJane
@tj You should also go to Primanti's. I can't recommend any fine dining because I was broke when I lived in Pittsburgh.
- 1/12, 7pm
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AmyJane
@tj Go to the O in Oakland. You might get shot, but the fries would be worth it. Be warned: we didn't call it the "Dirty O" for nothing.
- 1/12, 7pm
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AmyJane
Jonas told a cashier today that "Daddy is on a vacation by himself, WITH NO FAMILY!" I could tell she thought he walked out on us.
- 1/7, 10am
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AmyJane
@Mike_FTW I told Sandwich to keep an eye on him. He sounds 1 am drunk but it's only 9:30. Careful, he's a serious vomiter.
- 1/6, 9pm
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AmyJane
"Please don't cheat on me at Macworld." "WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS?" "No. I just like to say things no one has ever said before."
- 1/5, 7am
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AmyJane
Admit it: It's tempting to just throw the whole fucking tree out; ornaments, lights and all.
- 1/3, 10pm
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AmyJane
Slept fitfully because I kept dreaming I had watched 16 Candles and was trying to write Twitter jokes about it. What have I become?
- 1/3, 4am
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AmyJane
@jkubicek I am so anti-shower peeing that it is not even funny. But I enjoy the image of you pissing yourself when faced with running water.
- 1/2, 5pm
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AmyJane
I like wine glasses that are so big you can stick your whole face in them. And none of that "half an inch of wine" business. I fill it up.
- 1/2, 4pm
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AmyJane
Best Christmas moment: My Papa, 86, asking John if he ever heard of "Blobbers or globbers or goobers." Figured out he meant bloggers.
- 12/26, 8am
from web
AmyJane
@chockenberry See? I'll bet your wife has a lot to say. Also, does she know you play an insane illiterate person on the internet?
- 12/21, 8am
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AmyJane
@seoulfully She should ease into it. Wait for you to do something stupid and then tweet it.
- 12/21, 8am
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AmyJane
Jonas also said, "Please Twitter that Daddy's a maniac."
- 12/20, 5pm
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AmyJane
Jonas's take on social media: "Always be linking, always be Twittering, always be hitting yourself in the face." I'd pay to see that.
- 12/20, 5pm
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AmyJane
Also, because I'm no longer a student who can skip classes, skipping the gym is the only real thrill I get.
- 12/20, 2pm
from web
AmyJane
Jonas: "I like being the only kid because what if we had another one and he was a jerk?"
EXACTLY!
- 12/20, 8am
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AmyJane
Will the Guitar Hero people replace my guitar if I tell them, "I know this one's broken because Mama doesn't make mistakes on Ramblin' Man."
- 12/19, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
I always thought I'd live more of a lifestyle where I'd send for "Lawyers, Guns and Money". Or at least two out of the three.
- 12/16, 5pm
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AmyJane
I just read Entertainment Weekly's "35 Most Appalling Shows Ever" and I have seen an appalling number of those shows at least once.
- 12/16, 1pm
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AmyJane
@kevhamm Celebrity Rehab. I like to watch shows about rehab while I drink.
- 12/13, 7pm
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AmyJane
Huh. So that's why you people were talking about cats rolling over in Starbucks. I thought you'd all gone daft.
- 12/7, 3pm
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AmyJane
@radiocolin I am. And in real life, all of this is accompanied by dance moves.
- 12/7, 1pm
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AmyJane
I can't stop judging whether or not all of your avatars are sufficient "windows to your soul." But I think @Moltz nailed it.
- 12/7, 1pm
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AmyJane
@myownbiggestfan That's a very effective avatar you have there! It's a window to your soul!
- 12/7, 12pm
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AmyJane
I don't read Guy Kawasaki, because when I want to hear about boring computer shit, I just walk upstairs. But is his Twitter article serious?
- 12/7, 12pm
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AmyJane
The real reason Daring Fireball doesn't have comments: During the day I'd fill it with to-do lists and at night, drunken heckling.
- 12/6, 5pm
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AmyJane
Sadly, that is not a euphemism.
- 12/5, 10am
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AmyJane
@gruber How are you Link Listing? You are supposed to be getting a haircut. God, I'll bet you're so annoying.
- 12/5, 10am
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AmyJane
@bcompton Wow. You're pretty restrictive. Right now Jonas is watching Natural Born Killers while he cleans my gun. And he's smoking.
- 12/4, 4pm
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AmyJane
I like the idea of looking back at your first tweet. Mine was "My husband kinda blows." I knew where I was taking this thing from the start.
- 12/4, 2pm
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AmyJane
I think I just spent a lot of time and money to color my hair the color it would be anyway if I just stopped messing with it.
- 12/4, 1pm
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AmyJane
Facebook needs more hobo vagina and dick jokes. And stars. I mean, I know my kid is cute and thanks for saying so but AM I FUNNY?
- 12/2, 6pm
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AmyJane
"Michael Jackson is said to be living on a diet of gravy, painkillers, and biscuits" is my favorite sentence ever. Also, my favorite diet.
- 11/25, 12pm
from web
AmyJane
"Daddy is a little slow on the uptake." Say what you will about raising kids on TV, but it does make them say the most delightful things.
- 11/19, 2pm
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AmyJane
"Foaming Pipe Snake": Band name, sex toy, or Drano product?
- 11/19, 9am
from web
AmyJane
@importantshock I have my avatar on my ankle. A design by a friend on my hip and stars on my foot. Thinking about something on my forearm.
- 11/17, 7pm
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AmyJane
@chockenberry Oh, Jesus. This is AWKWARD. All slots are full. Please do not come here. Please.
- 11/17, 3pm
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AmyJane
@blurb I think Utah is gorgeous. I need a boozier, Mormon-free Utah. You guys are on that, right?
- 11/17, 2pm
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AmyJane
@awryone My next question was going to be "Who's going to put us up while we look for a place?"
- 11/17, 12pm
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AmyJane
@scottsimpson Exactly. Like a Twitter town. And there's booze and guns and drugs but it's OK because we're all nice people.
- 11/17, 12pm
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AmyJane
@zeldman NYC would be my choice. But we'd probably have the same problems. About 20 open spots for school with hundreds of applicants.
- 11/17, 12pm
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AmyJane
@knowncitizen I am seriously considering Colorado.
- 11/17, 12pm
from web
AmyJane
@kyleridolfo I have lived on the border of NH. While the "Live free or die" thing was appealing, I'm not sure I could do it again.
- 11/17, 12pm
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AmyJane
I'd like to think that we're not recluses, but the look of panic we all get in our eyes when the doorbell rings is a little disturbing.
- 11/16, 3pm
from web
AmyJane
@ChrisLong "Good morning! You're about to call in sick."
- 11/16, 3pm
from web
AmyJane
@chockenberry I did one of those tweet cloud things and my most talked-about subjects were Jonas, drinking, and chockenberry. Seems right.
- 11/15, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
@chockenberry It's actually one of the least weird things about you.
- 11/15, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
You know what's going to be fun? If Twitter is still around when John and I get divorced.
- 11/15, 1pm
from web
AmyJane
I'm glad John gets some internet acclaim because in our families he's known as "that guy who's handy with computers who can fix your email."
- 11/15, 12pm
from web
AmyJane
I love Christmas shopping for kids. I just spent 4 days looking for the best Count Dooku lightsaber. Jonas is going to plotz.
- 11/13, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
@keylager He was pretty hesitant about a new phone. He wanted me to restore (again) and come back. But I'm pretty charming so he relented.
- 11/13, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
@highindustrial I read that "Sharon Tate" tweet to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" and now I can't stop singing it.
- 11/13, 5am
from web
AmyJane
Who should return my iPhone? John, who is more influential; or me, a crazy bitch who won't leave without a new phone and/or a fistfight?
- 11/12, 10am
from web
AmyJane
@chockenberry You were just pretending to be in France, weren't you? And you drink A LOT, right?
- 11/9, 2pm
from web
AmyJane
"Final sound check for the President of the United States." Crowd goes nuts.
- 11/4, 8pm
from mobile web
AmyJane
@ShawnKing Oh, I'm sure. And if you knew how much this kid is into fonts and logos, you'd be sure, too.
- 10/31, 3pm
from web
AmyJane
Kid refuses to trick or treat. I'm not fighting him but I'm bummed. Drinking already. But in Philly today it's a late start.
- 10/31, 3pm
from web
AmyJane
@cleversimon Don't tell anyone, but you were always my favorite.
- 10/31, 10am
from web
AmyJane
@scottsimpson Dude, I thought it wussy that my kid wanted to be Robin!
- 10/30, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
@vmarinelli My mom had that jar of random teeth! I took them and used them for my science fair project. She was pissed.
- 10/30, 1pm
from web
AmyJane
Would you like to freak out your 4 year-old? Tell him his teeth are going to start falling out soon. My kid is totally fucking HORRIFIED.
- 10/30, 1pm
from web
AmyJane
In all seriousness, we live in a nice neighborhood but we're staying away from the windows. Phillies fans like their guns.
- 10/29, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
We've made a family decision: We're rioting no matter how this thing goes.
- 10/29, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
@dollarshort That costume is great. I always wanted to dress Jonas as Hunter S. Thompson but never did and now it's too late.
- 10/20, 8am
from web
AmyJane
@antichrista I'm going with whale is worse, but I'm a little sensitive today.
- 10/17, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
@vmarinelli That is AWESOME.
- 10/17, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
@smartasshat You know, I almost wrote that. But I realized I wasn't THAT secure.
- 10/17, 3pm
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AmyJane
I went to graduate school and I read books and shit, but I have a weakness for afternoon talk shows featuring fat babies or hoarders.
- 10/17, 2pm
from web
AmyJane
"Mama, are you Santa Claus?" Me (nervous): "Uh, gosh, no. Um, why do you ask?" Jonas: "Because you're fat." I don't need this.
- 10/17, 12pm
from web
AmyJane
I have to get hopped up on Sudafed to function during the day and take NyQuil to come down at night. This is what killed Elvis, you know.
- 10/17, 10am
from web
AmyJane
Kid keeps asking bullshit questions like "Are eagles nice?" and "What are our dinner plans?" Can't he see that I AM SICK? I don't need this.
- 10/16, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
@joymoody Tell Don that when Don Haring, Jr. gets on the Twitter, the rest of us will have to quit. Because he will be so awesome.
- 10/15, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
@joymoody OMG, I am so sick. I hope Sudafed mixes with vodka. And Jonas just threw up. You're missing a great time.
- 10/15, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
@maya311 I said the same thing! I think it's disrespectful. My husband thinks it's OK, but he's kind of a jackass.
- 10/15, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
@chockenberry Like "My Ding-a-Ling"?
- 10/10, 10pm
from web
AmyJane
You can say what you want about my boy being named after a Weezer song, but I was named after a Pure Prairie League song.
- 10/10, 10pm
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AmyJane
The Weezer Blue Album makes me so fucking happy. I love it so much.
- 10/10, 9pm
from web
AmyJane
Took a muscle relaxer and it knocked me loopy. I should have known it would, since I have seen Sixteen Candles about a thousand times.
- 10/3, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
How I'm sure John is drunk: Biden and Palin are hugging, and John yells, "He's going to fuck her, isn't he?"
- 10/2, 8pm
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AmyJane
Me: "I think you tell me to get a blog because you don't want to talk to me." John: "I would read your blog."
- 9/29, 10am
from web
AmyJane
If you have a kid with no problems, do you know how fucking lucky you are? Why would you want to risk hurting someone not so lucky?
- 9/29, 7am
from web
AmyJane
@thinktwice I agree. I don't think people who use it are awful people, they just aren't really thinking about it. It truly makes me cringe.
- 9/29, 6am
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AmyJane
Are we still doing the passive aggressive thing? I hate the use of "retarded" to mean "stupid". If you think about it, it's just mean.
- 9/29, 6am
from web
AmyJane
@chockenberry I AM SO MUCH MANLIER THAN YOU ARE! I LAUGH AT YOUR FLESHY PALM, NANCY!
- 9/28, 2pm
from web
AmyJane
@mulegirl I said the same thing! And then I thought he was at least shirtless. But no, there is some sort of fringy suit involved.
- 9/27, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
Saw that George Clooney may play the Lone Ranger with Johnny Depp as Tonto. Tonto and the Lone Ranger got it on, right? Jesus, I hope so.
- 9/27, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
"Do you want to brood about work, brood about politics, or have a nice day with your family?" "Brood about work." He's a catch, ladies.
- 9/27, 9am
from web
AmyJane
@gruber I don't give two shits if Jeremy Piven wears a rug because Ari Gold most certainly DOES NOT.
- 9/27, 9am
from web
AmyJane
McCain is going to veto bills with a Sharpie if he's elected.
- 9/26, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
The boy yelled "I love you, Mama!" across a crowded playground. I swooned. Then he yelled, "You kinda have a man voice!"
- 9/22, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
I buy whatever the guy at Kiehl's tells me to. He's wearing a lab coat, people. He's practically a doctor.
- 9/18, 1pm
from web
AmyJane
Another awkward hair wash at the salon. Imagine getting a hair wash and a lap dance simultaneously and you'll know what I'm talking about.
- 9/18, 11am
from web
AmyJane
Words every parent wants to hear: "Hey, I gave myself a haircut!"
- 9/8, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
Me: "You know that these schools require us to send this kid to a shrink, right?" John, looking at Jonas: "That's probably for the best."
- 9/8, 1pm
from web
AmyJane
Jonas's school application: "How many languages does the child speak?" Uh, one? And if we're being honest, not all that well.
- 9/8, 1pm
from web
AmyJane
Woman with LV bag and $90 shoes on her baby paid with foodstamps. I noticed. That shit this week made me a fucking Republican, didn't it?
- 9/5, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
Jonas just asked me, in an exasperated voice, "Did you pick up my dry cleaning?" I don't know what to say to that, but he seems PISSED.
- 9/5, 11am
from web
AmyJane
@manton You're sweet. John never remembers to get Jonas business trip gifts. I, however, asked him to bring back @chockenberry for me.
- 9/5, 9am
from web
AmyJane
Watching my husband pack for a trip makes me nervous because he is SO TOTALLY DOING IT ALL WRONG.
- 9/5, 7am
from web
AmyJane
Convention music is the Stray Cays doing Rock This Town. They should play Sexy and 17.
- 9/4, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
That tweet was OK, right? I mean, some of my best friends are gay black babies.
- 9/4, 3pm
from web
AmyJane
@ZappyBox Really? Stay tuned!
- 9/3, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
I really and truly do not understand how you can be a Republican and a woman.
- 9/3, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
I'm ranting and raving. John: says, "You should Twitter all this. It will make you feel better."
- 9/3, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
@sandro I agree. Words cannot convey my feelings. What a slimy fucker.
- 9/3, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
The boy does not want to go to the gelato place if Daddy goes. Has he been on Twitter today?
- 9/1, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
In the Gruber household, when faced with a dilemma, we ask ourselves, "What would Hunter S. Thompson do?
- 8/31, 7pm
from mobile web
AmyJane
I had big plans to start a blog this summer. Unfortunately, I don't have much to say. What I really need is a 300 character Twitter.
- 8/14, 3pm
from web
AmyJane
John keeps calling E. Edwards "classy". If that ever happens to us, he should expect less "class" from me and more "crazy carnival ape".
- 8/10, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
Jonas: "Mama, Mama! Big Bird is so DUMB!" Probably not the message Sesame Street wants to send, but he's right. That bird is a half-wit.
- 8/1, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
@mikerentas My in-laws could be reading this. It's bad enough I once twittered "Eat a dick." But it did make me laugh.
- 7/31, 8am
from web
AmyJane
@chockenberry Our family doesn't have ribbons, we have t-shirts.
- 7/31, 8am
from web
AmyJane
I just invited 1600 people to make fun of me, didn't I?
- 7/31, 7am
from web
AmyJane
If you are not busy SUPPORTING YOUR FAMILY, I would be game to see some suggestions for a new av, as per @hotdogsladies suggestion.
- 7/31, 7am
from web
AmyJane
I was secretly hoping that "contest" meant "subtle ways to poke fun at my husband."
- 7/31, 7am
from web
AmyJane
I read all of the @fakemerlinmann tweets as sort of a Rip Taylor character. He's definitely tossing confetti.
- 7/31, 6am
from web
AmyJane
When you are finally at an age where you can afford the pricey drinks, you start to think, "Why the FUCK am I paying 10 bucks for a DRINK?"
- 7/30, 7pm
from web
AmyJane
I never know what to say when the doctor gives that knock before entering the exam room. Next time I'm going with a sing-songy "Who is it?"
- 7/29, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
Jonas, upon entering small mammal house at the zoo: "Jesus Christ, this place smells like pee! Can we leave?" That's how I know he's my boy.
- 7/24, 2pm
from web
AmyJane
@tj Get your own material, buddy. I have to live with him, so I get all the jokes.
- 7/23, 5pm
from web
AmyJane
Me: "What do you want to drink with dinner?" Jonas: "A Dale's Pale Ale." John told me @jimray would definitely favorite this tweet.
- 7/21, 10pm
from web
AmyJane
@EffingBoring I cannot take any more tweets about bugs. I'm all itchy! Please move.
- 7/20, 4pm
from web
AmyJane
@nevenmrgan Screw you, Neven. I clicked on that and getting redirected to DF is just like getting Rickrolled.
- 7/18, 6pm
from web
AmyJane
Anatomy lesson with Jonas: "Do you know what's in your heart?" His answer: "Tacos."
- 7/11, 5pm
from web
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